August 28, 2012

Week 38: Weak

Current Weight:  219 (unofficial)
+/-  this week:  +2.2
+/- this round:   -30.8
+/- total:    -48.2
Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.6 lbs/wk

Well.  The last 3 weeks have not been great.  Particularly the last week, I had several days of just... a lot of food.  I haven't been exercising.  There are multiple reasons, but foremost is probably the fact that I am exhausted and not in the best emotional state, and that makes eating well or getting moving very, very hard for me.  Sam starts school again next week and that will definitely help in terms of getting exercise.  I'm looking for a job and one benefit to working all day for me is that I can't snack, and maybe I'll get a job in a location where I can walk during my lunch hour, which would be great.  Then I could supplement with higher intensity activity a couple times a week.  Anyhow, not much to say about any of this except I'm starting counting points again today and hopefully next week will show a loss.

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  48.2 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 58.4 lbs
[Continue reading...]

August 22, 2012

Until...

The morning was going so smoothly, my Mom had to pick up the kids early to take them to the day care with her and I thought I'd have to wake Sam up.  I was pleasantly surprised when he woke up a bit before 7 and came out into the living room.  They watched cartoons, I made breakfast, got dressed with no troubles at all.  We had already talked about him going with Grandma today and he was fine with it.

Until...

It was 7:45, right in the window where I knew she'd be getting here to pick them up.  And suddenly, Sam wanted to play a Wii game.  I told him that there was no time, Grandma would be here any minute.  He put on a short video and when it was over, he again said he wanted to play Wii.  I told him again there was not time, that we wouldn't be able to play a level.  Right as he switched the TV over to the Wii anyway, my Mom walked in the front door.

And the devolution began.

Arguing.  Crying.  Telling me I was not right before that there hadn't been time, and if I'd just let him do it this would not be happening.

Explaining.  Trying to reason.  Telling him I have an important appointment this morning and that even if he didn't go, he would not be able to play because I would be very sad and frustrated and would not be letting him stay home and play video games.  Pleading.  Trying to get him to tell me why he is doing this.  Telling him I really NEED him to go with Grandma today.  Offering different toys he can take if he wants to.

Turning red.  Big tears.  Raised voice.  Then, clammed up and refusing to talk.

I carried him to the door.  I put him down and tried to get his shoes on, and when he wouldn't do it, I picked them up and I carried him out to the car.  I put my 6 year old into the car crying and telling me he wanted to stay home with me.  One of those two little pieces of my heart that walk around outside of me, and I strapped it in and shut the door.

I couldn't even make it back into the house before I started to cry.

My Mom told me that he'd be fine, he'd get over it, that it was okay, and she hugged me.

But it's times like these that I feel like I am letting him down, that I must be failing somehow, that I shouldn't be forcing him to be away from me.

And inside me, it's a hurricane, because I NEED this job interview today, and I NEED some time away from them, and there are things I need to get done, and I know that giving in to some stupid demand about a video game to make this not happen isn't the answer either.  And I know he'll be fine, he'll be okay and he'll probably have a fun day, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

The ugly cry starts before I even get the door shut.  Gut wrenching sobs because this is not how things are supposed to feel, and on top of everything else in my life I just can't bear it.  One of the hardest parts of our transition into two households so far has been when Daddy comes home and I leave.  He tells me not to.  He doesn't like being left with anyone but Daddy or Grandma, but if he's in a certain mood even those choices aren't what he wants.  He just wants me all the time.  This isn't totally a new thing, but hearing if hearing your 6 year old tell you "this is too much leaving!" doesn't feel like a punch in the gut, then I don't know what does.  I can't bear him asking me not to leave him.

Guilt crashes down on me like ocean waves and I curl up and cry and cry and cry.

How do I do this?  I don't know how.  How am I going to make it okay when I have to work full time for Sam to be away from me?  How am I going to be there for him and somehow also be there for myself?  My emotions are running high, of course.  The last two years have been difficult, and while the impending final end of my marriage has it's good sides, it also just sucks.  Some days, I just don't know how to do all of this, to be the person I need to be to raise two healthy boys and stay sane and somehow support us all emotionally and financially.  And I'm okay most of the time.

Until.

Until I have a morning like this where I just feel so far gone, and still need to pull myself together and go to a job interview for a part time job, which still leaves me worried because I'll probably need two part time jobs to get by and what about health insurance?  Until I am tired because Danny woke up 8 times last night.  Until I'm blindsided by Sam refusing to even talk to me until he begs me to stay with him.  Until I just can't take it anymore.  Until I sit down to write this and start to cry again because I just feel raw.

And I let myself, because it's the only way.  And I know that in an hour, after I shower and get dressed I'll be okay.  But I'm walking on the edge, and sometimes I fall, and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
[Continue reading...]

August 19, 2012

Incredible Life

My life continues to be incredible.  I am having a hard time reconciling the fact that there are so many good things I'm feeling and so many bad things and so much disappointment all at once.  I am still looking for a job, and it's incredibly frustrating to say the least.  I can't move forward with anything else in my life really until I get one, so there is this holding pattern that is pretty annoying.  I have had a few interviews that I've thought went well only to be turned down or not contacted yet again.  I try not to get my hopes up, but I really need something, and every time I read a job description that seems perfect I just want it so badly.

I am super exhausted, though I will have some much needed time off this week.  Having the kids with me 90% of the time is just exhausting, and I usually end up staying up too late at night doing who knows what, job searching, Facebook, and whatever other distractions I find.  We are still struggling a lot every day with Sam's encopresis, and it's slow going and hard work and fighting and tears.  My spirit is getting a little bit of nourishment from my work with birth-related things and photography, but at the same time it feels frayed and worn down and a little flat.

Three weeks ago, I wrote about how one of my long-time dreams is coming true as I prepare to fly to Dallas to be trained as a Birth Boot Camp Instructor.

Since then I've managed to raise, earn, and scrounge enough money together to cover over 1/2 of my costs.  I got $120 in donations from three very generous people who I appreciate very much.  I had a garage sale and made $100.  I sold some old jewelry I had around for a significant chunk, and I photographed my first wedding - a friend who paid me a couple hundred bucks.  It is all slowly but surely coming together.  BUT, I still need to raise $800, $500 for the hotel (it will be a bit less, but I want to be safe) and $300 to pay the rest of my course tuition.  So, I'm going to put up the donate button again with some of the original text I posted the first time, because I need this.  I will try to start posting more often soon, when Sam is back in school and my life is becoming more regular that will be easier.

So, I've decided that just this once, I am going to flat out ask.  I'm trusting the universe here, and relying on the kindness and generosity of my family, my friends, and of any generous strangers that may happen to be out there.  I'm putting my pride aside because this is more important to me than almost anything I've ever done before.  And I'm hoping and praying and trusting that I will find a way to make this happen.

This is a button.  You can use it to donate if you feel like you want to.  It's directly connected to my paypal account and you can use paypal or a card.  Select 'gift' as the reason for sending money.

Some people will think this is completely tactless or inappropriate.  Maybe it is.  That's fine.  I'm okay with whatever people think.  If you don't like it, just ignore it.  I am just as happy to receive well wishes, prayers, and good thoughts.  But for once in my life, I am not going to feel embarrassed reaching out to people who may be kind and want to help me do something.  If When I reach my goal, I'll remove it.  Every penny I get will be put towards the cost of the workshop, airfare, hotel and my reading materials.  If you feel inclined to share this, I'd appreciate it.  If you sort of want to punch me right now, then please just move on and try to forget this ever happened.
[Continue reading...]

August 8, 2012

Week 35: 200 Sticks of Butter

Current Weight:  216.8
+/-  this week:  -0.8
+/- this round:   -33
+/- total:    -50.4
Current Short Term Goal:  217 (50 pounds lighter) Reached!
New Short Term Goal:  213.5 (Halfway there - 50% of final goal)

Avg weekly loss needed to reach birthday goal of 200 lbs by age 32: 1.12 lbs/wk

Here I am!  50 pounds lighter than where I started.


I have officially lost the equivalent of my six year old.  Or, my favorite reminder when I start to think a pound isn't that much, I have now lost 200 sticks of butter.  TWO HUNDRED.


It wasn't a GREAT week because I didn't get a ton of exercise, but it was good.  I feel like I am really going somewhere.  With everything that's going on, I've had some hard days, but exciting things are happening which I promise to write more about soon.

I have added a new thing to track up there at the top, the average # of pounds I need to lose per week to reach my goal for my birthday.  I'll adjust it as I weigh in each week.  My new short term goal is 213.5, which will mark the halfway point to my goal.  It's hard for me to believe that I could lose as much as I have, and it's only halfway.  I can't believe that's where I was.  There is probably a lot more to say about that, but not right now because dangit it is midnight again and I'm up, just like every night, I am having a hell of a time getting to bed when I should!

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  49.6 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%) - Met 4/10/12
Short Term Goal 3:  217 (50 pounds down) - Met 8/7/12
Short Term Goal 4: 213.5 (50% of final goal)
Short Term Goal 5:  207 (60 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 6: 199.9 (under 200 for the first time in 7+ years)
Short Term Goal 7: 192 (75 pounds down)
Short Term Goal 8: 189.8 (25% &  no longer "obese")

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
Total to Lose:  107 lbs
To Go: 56.2 lbs
[Continue reading...]

August 2, 2012

Ball of Confusion

My life is a big ball of confusion and emotion. Awesome things have been happening, I started my reading for my Birth Boot Camp training and am super excited about it. The new website is awesome and growing and I can't wait for the stuff I am planning next to grow it. But at the same time this week has been extremely difficult, especially the last 3 or 4 days.  I am still looking for a job and bot finding much, and I feel like the next stage of my life can't truly begin until I find one.  I am super emotional, frustrated with the kids, and really wanting to be alone more than anything else.  And I can't be.  It is frustrating that I am frustrated.  I feel annoyed and guilty and bad-mothery.  I am turning into one of those Facebookers I hate who post depressing repetitive statuses.  I feel better and I feel worse.  I have good friends and I can't imagine what I would do without them.  I am a Debbie Downer.  I have no balance.  I have to give myself time but I have to figure out how to do that and not be a crappy mom. I don't know what I am doing anymore.
[Continue reading...]

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