Lately, I have been feeling pretty down about myself in one area - my body.
I have written here before about the ups and downs, how much I have struggled, my triumphs, and how hard it is for me to get on track.
I lost 50 pounds when I was pregnant with Sam - and gained it all back. Plus some.
I lost 30 pounds doing Weight Watchers after I got medication for my thyroid etc, plus another 20 during/right after I was pregnant with Danny. I have gained 25 of it back.
I am angry. I am ashamed that I allowed it to happen. I feel like a yo-yo, ever time I manage to lose it, I just spring back and put it back on. It makes me feel disgusted with myself - not only do I hate the way I look, but I hate that I am so weak that I don't have the willpower to become healthier.
I seem to be holding steady right now. About 23 pounds lighter than I was at my heaviest.
I don't feel good when I look in the mirror.
I don't like the way my clothes fit.
When I sit in the booth at a restaurant, sometimes it's not that comfortable.
I am totally out of shape, and get winded easily.
It sucks. Every day I think about how I SHOULD be eating, how I SHOULD be getting more exercise. But I am so un-motivated to do it. It's such a struggle. I wish that there was an easy way to do all of this, but there just isn't.
It's not just a matter of simple willpower. I think about food all the time. When I am not eating, I am often thinking about what I can get to eat next. I also don't always stop eating when I should - I eat too much and too quickly and then by the time I get my 'I'm full' signals, I start to feel kind of sick because I ate too much. It's just SO EASY to eat junk. It tastes so good, and it's cheap and easily accessible.
I need to stop. It is not easy, but I have to try... Again.
So, here is what I need to do. As soon as we get paid from the big job Justin is working on, I am going to re-join Weight Watchers. I found out there are daytime meetings on Tuesdays, which is usually the day my Mom has Danny while Sam's at school. If she doesn't, there is actually a Mommy & Me meeting at 10:30.
I pulled out my tracking notebook and calculator and started counting points again today. I did okay for breakfast and kind of for lunch, then this afternoon I ate a couple of pieces of candy Justin gave me. And a couple of Krispy Kreme donuts. Just because I was near it and I wanted to. Of course I didn't feel very well afterwards, and I didn't need them. But I am not going to hide it, I'm writing the stupid points down and they'll come out of my weekly points. If I cheat, it doesn't work.
I am going to get out at least twice a week and walk for an hour - at a park, at the mall, whatever. It needs to be more than twice a week, but I need to be realistic and start with achievable goals. The truth is that I HATE exercising, and I have to force myself to do it even though I know it's good for me and makes me feel better. So, start small.
I WANT to do all of this, so why is it so fucking hard? I don't get it. I feel better when I eat right and exercise. I feel happier and more confident when I am able to lose weight. I don't understand why I struggle so much to get on track and stay there when it's what I really want.
Once I get back into things, I will probably start doing weekly weight-themed posts again like I was when I first started Weight Watchers. It's just too hard to do this alone.