October 19, 2010

30 Days of Truth Day 3: Shame, Regret & Forgiveness

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The prompt for Day 3 of 30 Days of Truth is something you have to forgive yourself for.

"There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today."

"Rent" - Jonathan Larson

I really try to live my life without regrets. There are certainly those moments that everyone has - excruciatingly embarrassing or painful moments that I kind of wish had never happened. We all have events in our lives that still make our stomachs turn when we think about them. But none of those moments in my life have been life-changers. They're painful and they sucked, but if they'd been different I don't think it would really have effected the overall course of who I am.

As for the bigger things, I just find it hard to regret them. See, if those things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am today. Maybe that's a cliche, but it's also totally true. The things I've gone through and the decisions I've made have led me to the place I am today, and for the most part that is a wonderful place. I also think that making a choice to spend my time regretting and dwelling on things that I've done in the past that I can't change is a big waste. I have a lot going on right now, and I'd rather concentrate on the things I have and the good things than spend my time on things that are completely out of my control.

I have to admit, I have been thinking about what I'd write for this prompt for over a week. I don't feel that there is much in my life that I've had to forgive myself for, and I guess I'm kind of lucky that way. I hope that this means that I'm doing a good job, and I know that it means that I've been lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing people and a lot of love during my lifetime so far.

There is one thing though. And it's a big one.

I know I wrote about my weight on Day 1, but it's something that is really on the forefront of my mind right now. I'm really struggling. I joined Weight Watchers again about 2 months ago, and for the past month I've been WAY off my game. I've gained back any weight I lost in the first four weeks, and I'm back at 222 lbs as of this morning. I am ashamed. I am angry at myself for being an asshole to myself and not sticking to it. I am a maddening 5 pounds away from having lost 50 pounds. And I'm not even close to being done - my end goal weight is 155, but honestly if I got even down to 180 I'd be ecstatic.

I wish I could adequately describe how much I hate the fact that I'm fat. That I LET myself get so fat. How did I possibly let myself get so close to 300 pounds?! How could I have treated myself so badly that I just ate myself into being completely obese? And how come I am not motivated enough to get back on track now?

The last few days, I've been irritable and lethargic. I can't stand it. I have been eating shit and not exercising and not counting points. I haven't been going to meetings. I was so excited when I was getting back on track with cooking and Weight Watchers, and I've just let it all slide away. I still know it's possible, but I've been taking the easy way.

For me, eating is not just a food issue. It's emotional. It's ingrained. Something in my brain is wired so that I just want to eat all the time. I want to eat sweets and carbs and nachos and pizza and candy. When I'm sad, I want to eat. When I'm happy, I want to celebrate by rewarding myself with food. When I'm stressed, I find comfort in food. I like cheese and sugar and icing and cake and cinnamon buns and bacon.

I know that I've worked hard. I lost almost 50 pounds last year, and it was not easy. I did it on my own - there were no prepackaged meals, no pills, no potions, no gimmicks, no surgery. It was just me. I don't give myself enough credit for it.

That's what I need to forgive. I need to forget about the fact that I got here in the first place, give myself credit for digging partway out of this hole, and get back on track. I need to let it go that I've sucked for the past month and put it behind me and get back on track. It is the difference between health and obesity. It is the difference between being happy and energetic or lethargic and depressed.

It's just so much easier said than done.

For the other 29 days, click here.

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