April 29, 2010

Suddenly, you're four.

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Dear Sam,

Although it's a little unusual for a kid your age, you ride a bus to preschool. Every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday we drive down to the bottom of the driveway (maybe once Danny's here we'll walk together instead) and wait for your bus. Back in November, when you first started school, you were very excited about the bus. Then, you went through a period where you were reluctant to get on. It's kind of a long ride, and we finally figured out that if we let you take a toy with you to play with during the ride it made things easier. This week though? You didn't take a toy every day. I park about 2 car lengths up the driveway so the bus can turn around after you get on. This week, you took your backpack and went to the bus yourself. You didn't need me to walk you to the door or pretend to race with you. You did it yourself, and you didn't look back. On Wednesday, after you got on the bus I cried. This watching you grow up? It's just not that easy sometimes.

On Sunday, you are going to be four years old.

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For the last four years, you've been my baby. I've held you from the time you were small enough so snuggle against my chest, your head nestled under my chin and your toes just below my belly button.

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I still hold you, but now, you stand more than 1/2 my height. When you crawl into my bed sometimes in the night, we snuggle, but now when we spoon your feet hit my legs.

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When you stretch out, you fill that bathtub that used to seem like a pool, and the other day I saw you drink out of a water fountain without a boost or step. When did this happen?

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Once upon a time, you were tiny. I spent all my time with you that first year, my first baby, and you stole my heart. I knew I would never get it back.

Then you turned one. And I couldn't believe how big you'd gotten.

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In the second year, I watched you grow some more. You walked and ran and started to talk and learn and remember. Then you were two, suddenly. And I couldn't believe how big you'd gotten.

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Times were crazy in the next year. You continued to become, to grow into yourself and discover who you were, and amazed me more and more every day. But you were still my only little love. Then you turned 3, and I couldn't believe how big you'd gotten.

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Now you're turning four.

You love computer games. I can't believe it, because you're not even four. But you know how to work the touchpad mouse on my laptop and how to click and things I didn't learn until I was in middle school. I can only imagine that probably in the next year your computer knowledge will surpass mine. It blows my mind.

The other morning you called your Aunt Kira on the phone and talked to her just because you wanted to. We count and call it "racing" to get your jammies on or your diaper changed because it motivates you and gets you excited. We weren't careful enough with our language, and every once in a while you think it's funny to call someone an ass. Oops.

Sometimes, you get SO excited. You get an idea, something dawns on you and your eyes light up and get really big and your breath catches as you tell me... "we can do BOTH! We can eat breakfast AND play a computer game!" Or whatever. It doesn't even matter what you're talking about because the joy you feel lights up my world.

You know a lot of your letters, and a bunch of numbers between 1 and 10. You sing the alphabet song and lots of other ones - you love to sing and sometimes you make up your own songs. One night we heard you through the monitor in your room singing about "mommy on the potty." You sing along now to CDs or TV theme songs, and when we sing to you sometimes you join in.

Your favorite colors are yellow and orange, but mostly yellow. You love hummus and mac and cheese and you're always trying to steal a sip of soda from us when we have it around. You love puzzles and are quite good at them. You know how to spell your name, and you know how to work the shift key on the computer because you don't like small letters yet, only big ones. You love Legos, but you don't play with them without destroying them. It's frustrating when you pull the cars apart right after I've built them, but I keep building because it makes you happy and that makes me happy.

You've changed so much and more changes are coming. My belly is big and swollen with your little brother, and it won't be long now before he makes his appearance. I know that you've grown, and you are more independent now and you are going to be a great big brother. But there is something about the fact that you're not going to be my baby anymore that breaks my heart a little bit.

I hope that I will be the best Mom, that you will always, always know how much we all love you and that I couldn't love anyone else more, even if I tried. I know that sometimes I will slip up, but I hope that you'll forgive me. One day, I hope you'll get the joy of being a Daddy if that's what you want, and then you'll know alllll about all this stuff. But for now, you just need to know that you are special, and you always will be.

Even though it makes me sad, I am also super excited to watch you be a big brother. I think you are going to be amazing. Danny is going to look up to you and love you so much.

Suddenly, you're four. And I can't believe how big you've gotten. Happy birthday to my baby little boy.

Love Always and Forever,
Your Mommy

6 comments :

Young Wife said...

Happy Birthday, Sam!

Kori said...

Rachael, this is beyond beautiful; I loved seeing the pictures showing how Sam got from there to hear. And you know what? He is oging ot be just fine; he has you to help him throught, right?

And no worries, I haven't forgotten about the post, I am just slow getting it finished. It will be there!

Mom said...

I remember taking a walk with you in the stroller on November 1, 1982. I was thinking that I didn't know how I could possibly love another child as much as I loved you. That night I went into labor and your sister was born the next morning. I found out right away what is was like to love two children. You love one just as much as the other, but you love them each for who they are. I love your Rachaelness and I love your sister's Kiraness. You will understand this soon. It's really cool. It enriches your world so much. Then you get to watch the relationship bloom between your kids. It warms my heart that you and Kira are so close. It makes me feel like you have another way to be safe in the world. Good things have gone by and better things are coming! Even at my stage of life!

Amy Moore said...

I cried and cried reading this. I know that feeling, Rachael. That my baby is not a baby and now we have a new one. But, I will Always love Samuel so much and having Cora didn't change that. I love her just as much. I love reading your posts...especially ones like this. They are precious! Happy Birthday to Sam! :)

Mighty M said...

Such a sweet post for your wonderful, lovely Sam. Happy Birthday!

Mimi said...

So sweet. It cracks me up that he calls people ass, lol!

Happy birthday to your sweet boy!

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