October 26, 2009

Sick and Tired

I thought maybe I'd get back on track with posting last week. Obviously, not so much...

The truth is, I sort of hate my life right now. Don't get me wrong - the big picture stuff is fine. The house is fine, we are all healthy, we're looking forward to the new baby. I can't wait until I can feel it move for the first time.


Day to day? I am SO TIRED of being sick. Indescribably tired. At the end of last week I thought maybe things were starting to get better, but I had a fairly miserable weekend. I just felt like crap Saturday evening, and all day Sunday.

I've been throwing up a lot. I'm sure it could be worse, but for me finding myself hunched over the toilet three or four times a day is depressing. I constantly have this feeling in the back of my throat like I need to spit something out, but even hurling doesn't help.

I'm tired too. Physical activity makes me nauseous. I feel like a crappy mom because most days Sam and I just stay in the house and he doesn't get to play with other kids or go to the playground or anything that would be more fun for him. We watch way too much TV and spend way too much time playing computer games, because that's all I can handle right now.

Last night after throwing up for the fourth time and still feeling like crap, I sat on the couch and couldn't help crying. I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how much longer I can take this. All I want to do is lie here, all I want to do is sleep, all I want to do is not have so much responsibility. All I want is to feel NORMAL again. I just don't want to be sick anymore.

My house is a mess, my kid isn't getting enough exercise, I'm having people over on Thursday to say goodbye to a friend that's moving and I don't know how I'm going to manage to get ready on time. Things are a little out of control, and I don't even have control over my own body and how I'm feeling. Even normal things like grocery shopping are somewhat of an ordeal, walking around the store with a cart for 30 or 45 minutes is enough to exhaust me and send me into the bathroom to vomit again. It's kind of depressing.

It was easier when I was pregnant with Sam, I didn't need to worry about the state of the house so much since we lived in a one bedroom condo and never had people over anyhow. I went to work, came home, rested, and went to bed early. I didn't have another person depending on me every day, and it's hard.

I know I'll get through it. Already I know that things have improved slightly from last week, and the week before. If I'm lucky, they'll continue to improve at a little bit faster pace. I'm 12 weeks now, and usually getting out of the first trimester means some improvement. I just wish that I could see the end or something. I wish I wasn't thinking about the fact that with Sam I was sick for 5 months.

So basically, I haven't been posting because this is all I have it in me to say. I am a sniveling, sick, whining, pathetic, tired, pregnant mess. Hopefully soon I'll have the energy to say something more interesting and worthwhile. In the meantime, I'm finally getting caught up on my reader and I am still here... just not so interesting for the time being.


Melissa aka Equidae said...

remember the good that will come out of it!

Enz said...

It is hard. All you can do is keep going, one day at a time.
Hang in there. This too shall pass.


AJ said...

Oh Rachael,
I totally totally totally know where you are coming from and I am so sorry! With Simon I threw up a dozen times a day for seven months straight. I even had to go to the ER one night from trowing up so much and getting an esophageal tear. Working in the refinery made it kind of interesting too, nothing like puking all day in porta potties and not being able to get away from obnoxious refinery fumes. Things that might help: eat a cracker every twenty minutes or so with a few sips of water, also talk to your doctor, there are a couple of perscriptions out there that you can take that might help the nausea a little. Hang in there and don't feel bad about the house or things, you have a pretty rock solid excuse and you won't be growing a baby forever... Praying for you and Sam and Justin!

Dumblond said...

Oh sweetie. I hope you feel better soon. I had a cold for just two weeks and it threw my whole routine and my house out of whack! I can't imagine having that illness last any longer...
Try and keep your head up! You do have alot to be happy about.

Maricris Zen Mama said...

I know what you're going through. I was sick three straight months during my 1st trimester. Lost weight and was not eating well. I hope you get better soon and a healthy pregnancy ahead of you.