October 28, 2009

Reality Roundup: SYTYCD is back!

Top Chef

After Restaurant Wars, Laurine was eliminated. Eh. Not too much of an opinion from me on this one. It was interesting watching a RW show where they didn't have to do decor or anything. I thought the fighting between Michael and Robyn was a little crazy. He is so intense. I am still rooting for Kevin all the way, I just love him!

Project Runway

SO glad Nikolas is GONE. I just could not stand him. I thought Milla Jovovich was such a fun guest judge! She gave actual useful critiques and then at the end when she said something to the judges about how she couldn't imagine doing that every week? Pretty cool to watch. Also, props for Michael & Nina back on the panel. Hopefully they'll be there more often.

So You Think You Can Dance

Adam Shankman breaking down during Billy's last solo? Hilariously awesome. Also, I always like the guys who basicay dance their solos in diapers. I'm bummed because I did read the news that Mia Michaels will not be choreographing for the show any longer. It's a bummer, her routines have been some of my favorites.

First thoughts on the top 20? What happened to Mia's hair. That was my first thought. Seriously. Whatever, she's the kind of person who does that. So. 3 tappers? Interesting. Early favorites? Nathan, Russell, Billy, Ellenore, Bianca, and Mollee.

I liked the showcase hour, especially the hip hop routine. First competition episode? What the hell Billy Bell is gone?! That is crazy and it sucks. And Noelle is out for this week and has to heal by next week? It just sucks, especially for Billy.

Quick thoughts on performances...
  • Channing and Phillip's Jive was okay. I like Jive, and loved her costume, but it wasn't that memorable for me.
  • Ashleigh & Jacob's broadway routine was good. I was more impressed with him than I was with her. Despite her sparkly dress, I felt like he caught the eye on this one.
  • Ariana & Peter pulled hip hop for their first week. I do love me some Italians from Philly. Loved the concept. Props to Peter on the head slide. The dance was pretty good, although I felt like their synchronization was off. Adam said they 'weren't dancing like each other' and I totally agree with that.
  • Russell & Noelle. I love Russell, he's one of my favorites. Russell danced his Fox Trot with Melanie Lapatin since Noelle was injured. I thought Russell was excellent!
  • Bianca & Victor pulled contemporary and Travis Wall is back as a choreographer. Love him. It was a great routine, but I wish the music had been different. The lyrics fit, but the song itself didn't do much for me.
  • Karen & Kevin get a ChaCha, nice for Karen. How FREAKING AWESOME was it that they canced to the version of Push It from Glee?! LOVE it! Karen looked great, Kevin? not so memorable.
  • Ellenore & Ryan puled contemporary jazz. I liked it much more than I thought I would! They danced so well, made it look easy and beautiful. It was pretty great.
  • Brandon & Pauline pull Smooth Waltz. Good luck... Brandon took Billy's place since his illness knocked him from the competition. And... it was beautiful. I was surprised. The judges were not so excited about it.
  • Legacy & Kathryn got Hip Hop. I thought they were really good! I totaly enjoyed it!
  • Mollee & Nathan were last with Disco. Interesting the two really youngin's got paired up. Hm. GREAT way to end teh performances! They were awesome. They looked great. The tricks were incredible. Loved it!
My favorite performances from the first show? As a couple, Mollee & Nathan and Legacy & Kathryn. Individually, Jacob, Russell and Karen. Least favorite? Bianca and Victor and Ariana and Peter.

I totally love Adam Shankman, and am thrilled that he's a regular judge now! Ariana, Brandon, Pauline and Russell ended up dancing for their lives. I was very disappointed about Russell. I love watching him dance, I have come to discover that I totaly love watching people Krump. Funny huh? In the end, the judges eliminated Ariana and Brandon were eliminated. What an emotional roller coaster for him. You're out, you're in, you're out. But, in the end I'm so glad Russell is still around. I need to see him do more.

October 26, 2009

Sick and Tired

I thought maybe I'd get back on track with posting last week. Obviously, not so much...

The truth is, I sort of hate my life right now. Don't get me wrong - the big picture stuff is fine. The house is fine, we are all healthy, we're looking forward to the new baby. I can't wait until I can feel it move for the first time.


Day to day? I am SO TIRED of being sick. Indescribably tired. At the end of last week I thought maybe things were starting to get better, but I had a fairly miserable weekend. I just felt like crap Saturday evening, and all day Sunday.

I've been throwing up a lot. I'm sure it could be worse, but for me finding myself hunched over the toilet three or four times a day is depressing. I constantly have this feeling in the back of my throat like I need to spit something out, but even hurling doesn't help.

I'm tired too. Physical activity makes me nauseous. I feel like a crappy mom because most days Sam and I just stay in the house and he doesn't get to play with other kids or go to the playground or anything that would be more fun for him. We watch way too much TV and spend way too much time playing computer games, because that's all I can handle right now.

Last night after throwing up for the fourth time and still feeling like crap, I sat on the couch and couldn't help crying. I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how much longer I can take this. All I want to do is lie here, all I want to do is sleep, all I want to do is not have so much responsibility. All I want is to feel NORMAL again. I just don't want to be sick anymore.

My house is a mess, my kid isn't getting enough exercise, I'm having people over on Thursday to say goodbye to a friend that's moving and I don't know how I'm going to manage to get ready on time. Things are a little out of control, and I don't even have control over my own body and how I'm feeling. Even normal things like grocery shopping are somewhat of an ordeal, walking around the store with a cart for 30 or 45 minutes is enough to exhaust me and send me into the bathroom to vomit again. It's kind of depressing.

It was easier when I was pregnant with Sam, I didn't need to worry about the state of the house so much since we lived in a one bedroom condo and never had people over anyhow. I went to work, came home, rested, and went to bed early. I didn't have another person depending on me every day, and it's hard.

I know I'll get through it. Already I know that things have improved slightly from last week, and the week before. If I'm lucky, they'll continue to improve at a little bit faster pace. I'm 12 weeks now, and usually getting out of the first trimester means some improvement. I just wish that I could see the end or something. I wish I wasn't thinking about the fact that with Sam I was sick for 5 months.

So basically, I haven't been posting because this is all I have it in me to say. I am a sniveling, sick, whining, pathetic, tired, pregnant mess. Hopefully soon I'll have the energy to say something more interesting and worthwhile. In the meantime, I'm finally getting caught up on my reader and I am still here... just not so interesting for the time being.

October 22, 2009

It's Aliiiiiiiive!!

Um, you guys? I am having a BABY!

Okay, I realize that I told you that a month and a half ago. But for some reason, this pregnancy has been weirdly different than the first. I have been acutely conscious of the fact that I'm pregnant. After all, the morning sickness was acutely real, and fairly crippling for the first month or so. But somehow, it just hasn't seemed real that I'm growing a baby.

This morning? I had my first real ultrasound. As in, the first ultrasound where we could see anything more than a little dot. And do you know what I saw? A BABY!

A baby. With hands. And feet. And a face. And a brain. And a tiny, beautiful, quickly beating heart. Moving, rolling, waving and kicking. I don't remember crying at any of my ultrasounds with my last pregnancy, but when I saw that baby in me today, saw it moving around like a real, living baby? Tears. I controlled it fine, though I'm sure if I'd given in and burst into tears the ultrasound tech wouldn't have blinked an eye. It must happen all the time. I didn't expect it, but I think this is the start of it being real.
So, meet Baby Heiner...
In case you need some help...S/he still looks a little like an alien...

And according to the baby sites, who are very fond of fruit analogies, baby is about the size of a fig.
They measured the little bean, and I'm now 11 weeks 4 days pregnant. My due date (plus/minus 2 days) is May 9. Mothers Day, 2010.

I went to Target today to buy another pair of comfy stretchy pants. Because somehow, even though you can't see any change yet, my jeans are too uncomfortable already. And... I just couldn't help myself, and this somehow came home with me...

Fig photo by The Scootabaker. Photo linked to source (Flickr).

October 11, 2009

The Blahs

Hi. Yeah, I am still here. Sorry I haven't been around much lately, but it seems kind of depressing and boring to log on and write about how sick I've been and how much this part of pregnancy sucks. I have been so tired and nauseous and just felt bad a lot of the time, I haven't been getting time to get online, and by the time Sam's in bed at night I kind of want to be in MY bed! The good news is that this week was better than last week. Still somewhat miserable, but it comes and goes a little more - I've had several hours where I almost felt normal. So, I'm hoping that this time will be better than last time, and I won't be sick until after Christmas. I had my first midwife appointment and have an ultrasound on the 22nd at which they should finally be able to measure the bean and figure out a due date (I'm guessing around May 13).

Life has gone on and I have tons of stuff bouncing around in my head that would be great to write about. Sam and I are flying to New Jersey for 9 days tomorrow to visit my stepmom and little sis, maybe I'll get more time to write while I'm there.

Sorry for the unannounced hiatus, but trust me, you don't want to hear about much of what's been going on with me! Hope to be around more this week.

October 1, 2009

Lift them Up

Haiku Friday

Yeah, I totally know today is not Friday yet, but this is going to be up until the weekend at least, and as I've sat here and wrote it, I realized I couldn't wait until tomorrow to put it up.

We all have struggles
in life, sometimes they seem to
have no end, no out

Lately I have had
some of my own, found myself
wishing for... something

Then I reach out, I
take in words and I wonder
how can it all be?

Now I try so hard,
my hardest, to push aside
thoughts of myself

I will sit, I will
pray, I will send anything
I think will help you

I will think of you,
I will spread the word, the world
needs love, needs it now

If you have a prayer
a positive thought, a bit
of good energy

If you have karma
to spare, virtual hugs to
send, now is the time

Now is the time, we
lift each other up, across
the miles we join

Wishing we could do
more, but hoping for now we
make some difference

I've been struggling lately. Between the swine flu invading my household, the ridiculous decision to try and adopt a 9 month old puppy (yeah, say I told you so, the adoption was never official & we couldn't handle him), morning sickness that has reacquainted me with the toilet in a forgotten way, not being able to eat, a house I'm too tired to clean, and pregnancy hormones making me slightly crazy? It's been... interesting. I've cried. I've sobbed. I've snapped at Sam. I've gotten to the end of my rope and wondered where there was to go.

But, I'm surviving. At the end of the day, Sam always falls asleep and watching him like that I can't help falling back in love with him no matter what happened that day. I can get through one day at a time and some days I feel a little better than others. My life has become a question to me. I don't know how we'll do this, I don't know how I'll get through the next 5 months if this sickness sticks around. I don't know how I'm going to handle an infant and a 4 year old. But I'll figure it out. I have my family, and I can't wait until the day I get to feel our new little baby move inside me! We have our ups and downs, but my heart is intact, in fact most days it swells with love and pride and wonder at least once.

I've been behind on my reading around the blogosphere, but I'm getting caught up. Unfortunately, as I catch up, I see that there are other women out there who are struggling too. Is it something in the air? I don't know. All I know is that I am moved to tears and find myself wishing there was something, anything, I could do to help ease their pain. I want to hold them in my arms, tell them that it's so hard right now, but I know it will eventually be okay. I want to cry with them, tell them that I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for what they're going through right now.

In this weird online world, we meet people without meeting them. Some of these women probably don't even know who I am. I read their blogs, I've been looking into their lives for a couple of years. I've laughed with them, I've cried with them. Some of them know me, and have reached out to me in my times of need. Some of them I admire for their strength, their humor, their writing, or their hearts. Sometimes it is hard to care so much about people you've never met. To be allowed into their pain in a way you're not allowed into people's lives sometimes.

With all of that though, the tears I've shed, the pain I feel for them... I wouldn't give it up. I love them. I love the support I've found. I love that there is a world where we can share these innermost scary thoughts, that we can purge ourselves. I love that we can share ourselves and know that we can find support. Today, I want you to support these women. I want you to click, to visit, to tell them anything. Whether it's a prayer you can offer, positive energy you can send their way, a virtual hug, or a word or two of comfort, it matters. They need you, in the same way that I've needed you and you've been there for me.

Audrey ~ If you've been around here, you've heard about Audrey before. She's one of my closest online friends, and an amazing and awesome woman. She has her struggles, but she has a big heart, and she's always been there for me. Auds has actually been having some more up times lately, but there are still struggles. Like Facebook jerks. Seriously people? In any case, she can use your love.

Janet ~ I think Janet is strong. If you read through her archives, you'll see the trials she's gone through, and she almost always handles it with a smile or a joke. She is funny, and she is fiercely in love with her kids. Her pride in them is pretty awesome. Well, sometimes things just get overwhelming. It happens to us all, right?

Mama Bee ~ Mama Bee is hilarious. She is one of the most hilarious women I read, and also somehow manages to title every blog post with a song title. So not something I can do. She's been sick. Real sick. Like me, except without the baby. Which is a whole second reason she should be lifted up. See, she wants another baby. But it hasn't been in the cards (yet). I know how hard that is, I remember the anger and the frustration and the want. So, just love her up, kay?

Adam ~ All right, so it might be true that Adam is not a lady. It also might be true that his life is going all right at this point. However, Adam has friends. Friends he loves fiercely who happen to be having some hard times. So, why is he on this list? Because in reading his post today, I was reminded that sometimes, supports need supports too. Because I think you should read his blog. At first, you'll probably be impressed because it's kinda funny and witty and if you're like me, sarcasm is alwaysa plus. Then after a while, you'll realize that this guy is kinda awesome, and that the kind of friendship he offers to those he cares about is pretty cool, and maybe you'll be happy he's a part of our community and want to tell him so.

Casey ~ I love Casey. She probably doesn't know me, but she is one of my favorite lady bloggers. She is adorable, she is faithful, she is an amazing photographer and she's funny. I hope that I'll be able to meet her one day. Right now, she's going through hard times. I don't know all the details, but I know she is struggling. I know that she is amazing and supportive, and right now she needs to be lifted up.

Britt ~ Britt is the one who really inspired this post. Just read this. It will absolutely take your breath away, and if you don't want to just sweep Britt away and hug her tight and take away her pain, I will eat my shirt. She is a strong woman, she is amazing, but right now she is going through something unthinkable. Even without the details, I cry when I think of her. I know that right now, it's hard for her to see the future, it's hard for her to see that there will be light and love and wonder and things will be okay, someday. So, we need to keep reminding her that she's not alone, that there is love out here, and that she will make it.

That's all for now. Do you know someone who needs a lift? Leave it in the comments. Even if it's you. And thanks for being part of this weird, wonderful little world inside my computer.