'I feel just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground... Pulled down by the undertow, never thought I could feel so low...'
-Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan
Today is just one of those days. I don't have them often, but a series of events have come together and I feel like I am drowning.
The house is cold so I turn on the heat to at least get is back up to room temperature. As I watch Sam in the bath I think of the rest of the day and tears pool in my eyes. I don't give them free reign, this is not the time or the place and I don't want him to see me cry.
I screwed something up that should have been a sure thing. I had a simple phone interview scheduled yesterday morning for a customer service job. The kind of job I could do with my eyes closed and do exceedingly well. The kind of job I have done before and considered my fallback. And I Fucked it up. I scheduled the interview for a time I thought we would be up and about with family. Instead I ended up being awakened by the call and stumbling my way through a 10 minute long phone interview that I should have absolutely aced. I got a rejection email this morning. I feel like such an asshole. To make it that much worse I really didn't want it. I am struggling hard with the idea of abandoning Sam to full time daycare so I can work 40 hours a week at some shit job. So in failing I feel that much more guilt, even though I absolutely did not do it on purpose.
I was already on the edge today. T stepmom and little sister left this morning to fly home. 4 days every 4 months is just not enough. As we drove home from Seattle last night I could feel the pressure in my chest, the pain and longing of leaving them behind. I don't know when I will see them again. If I manage to find a job, it will limit my ability to fly cross country to see them. I miss them with all my heart. If only I could gather all my closest friends and family into one amazing neighborhood. I love the freedom I enjoy in our culture but I could do without the spread-apartness of our families.
Pile on top the exhausted letdown of the end of a whirlwind weekend, spending every minute with family, watching my baby become a 3 year old and a nasty case of PMS and you have ME today! Woot! It's also grey and rainy outside after days of sun. I guess mother nature knew I didn't need to feel even more guilt for not being outside today.
It will pass. We go on and we remember how lucky we are. After Sam's bath I sit on the couch with him in my lap wrapped in a towel. His skin is warm and he snuggles in to watch some Spongebob as he dries off. I stare at his face and today am captured by his eyelashes. Long and soft, curled and the color of the crust on a perfect baguette, they are beautiful. Tiny and feathery thick, they pull me out.
I am tired. I am sad for now, but that's okay. Tomorrow is another day and there are hugs and sunshine to look forward to.