May 5, 2009


'I feel just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground... Pulled down by the undertow, never thought I could feel so low...'
-Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan

Today is just one of those days. I don't have them often, but a series of events have come together and I feel like I am drowning.

The house is cold so I turn on the heat to at least get is back up to room temperature. As I watch Sam in the bath I think of the rest of the day and tears pool in my eyes. I don't give them free reign, this is not the time or the place and I don't want him to see me cry.

I screwed something up that should have been a sure thing. I had a simple phone interview scheduled yesterday morning for a customer service job. The kind of job I could do with my eyes closed and do exceedingly well. The kind of job I have done before and considered my fallback. And I Fucked it up. I scheduled the interview for a time I thought we would be up and about with family. Instead I ended up being awakened by the call and stumbling my way through a 10 minute long phone interview that I should have absolutely aced. I got a rejection email this morning. I feel like such an asshole. To make it that much worse I really didn't want it. I am struggling hard with the idea of abandoning Sam to full time daycare so I can work 40 hours a week at some shit job. So in failing I feel that much more guilt, even though I absolutely did not do it on purpose.

I was already on the edge today. T stepmom and little sister left this morning to fly home. 4 days every 4 months is just not enough. As we drove home from Seattle last night I could feel the pressure in my chest, the pain and longing of leaving them behind. I don't know when I will see them again. If I manage to find a job, it will limit my ability to fly cross country to see them. I miss them with all my heart. If only I could gather all my closest friends and family into one amazing neighborhood. I love the freedom I enjoy in our culture but I could do without the spread-apartness of our families.

Pile on top the exhausted letdown of the end of a whirlwind weekend, spending every minute with family, watching my baby become a 3 year old and a nasty case of PMS and you have ME today! Woot! It's also grey and rainy outside after days of sun. I guess mother nature knew I didn't need to feel even more guilt for not being outside today.

It will pass. We go on and we remember how lucky we are. After Sam's bath I sit on the couch with him in my lap wrapped in a towel. His skin is warm and he snuggles in to watch some Spongebob as he dries off. I stare at his face and today am captured by his eyelashes. Long and soft, curled and the color of the crust on a perfect baguette, they are beautiful. Tiny and feathery thick, they pull me out.

I am tired. I am sad for now, but that's okay. Tomorrow is another day and there are hugs and sunshine to look forward to.


Daisy said...

May you feel many more hugs and sunshine to break into the sadness.

Dumblond said...

I'm sorry that the interview didn't pan out.
Here's hoping that there are better days ahead.

Kori said...

I just want to give you the biggest hug today. Yes, the feelings will pass, but it sure doesn't make you feel better at the moment, does it? Thinking of you.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

There will be better days ahead. The clouds always give way to the SON. You know this. You're the one who reminds ME of this.