March 6, 2009

Fading Slowly

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Haiku Friday

Twelve hours later
it sticks in my head like glue,
settles in my gut

Random thoughts crop up
I can't forget it, no peace
for my mind today

Images, feelings,
innate reactions so strong
I can't stomach it

It's hard to believe
now, that it was only a
dream - fading slowly

Do you ever have a dream that sticks with you throughout the day? I have them often. I dream very vividly and my dreams are very involved. Sometimes I think about them throughout the day, wondering what they mean. My dreams often involve people from my past that I've lost touch with, and I walk about throughout the day with a vague sense of longing for those connections. But in general, they pass. They make me contemplate, but they don't upset me.

Usually.

The other night, I had a dream. It was vivid, and it was long. In the dream, Justin told me he was leaving me. He told me in a public place, and I was completely blindsided. I was in disbelief as I tried to gather my belongings, and couldn't function. I didn't know what to do or where to go. Worst of all, I didn't know WHY. In the dream, I called him the next day. There were things to be taken care of, most of all I wasn't sure if he'd really been serious, if this was really what he wanted. He confirmed it. There was Sam to think about. I asked him why. I don't really remember what was said, I do remember that he said that we hadn't been getting along and that I was too negative.

I woke feeling completely unsettled. I tried to forget about it, but it stuck with me. Throughout the day, when the dream would pop into my mind, I would get this sick feeling in my stomach. I have tears in my eyes right now just writing about it and remembering it. I don't have nightmares often, and this isn't the kind of dream I would generally classify as a nightmare. But it was extremely upsetting.

I was surprised by my reaction. I don't usually become unsettled, unglued, I don't usually become so affected by dreams, even when they're scary or bad, they don't stick in my head, not like this one. Every time I thought about it, it was like I'd been in a real fight with Justin, and I just wanted to call him and reassure myself that it was only a dream.

What did it mean? Why did I dream this? I can say that lately things around here have been stressful. Justin and I have both been stressed out, and we haven't been connecting as much as we need to. But we're still happy for the most part. We do connect on a day to day level, and there is an enormously huge gap between this little rough patch and any kind of relationship altering event like that in my dream.

So, why? Maybe it's God reminding me how good things really are. That we have a great marriage and our relationship is solid. That even to imagine not being together bring me so much pain that it takes my breath away. I guess sometimes we have to remember what bad is to know how good things really are. I feel tremendously lucky despite the hardships we've faced together these past couple of years. I guess sometimes I forget to be thankful, and to let Justin know how much I love him even when we don't always get along. We all need a little reminder sometimes, a mirror to reflect in. Maybe this was mine.

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7 comments :

Cathy said...

great interpretation of your dream--I have those moments, too, when I realize that even though things are stressful there's still a lot of good stuff there and I need to appreciate that. :)

Edie said...

You have lived through divorce in your own family, now three times, thanks to the foibles of your parents. It is not surprising that you would carry around some fear of that happening to you. You and Justin have made it through an extremely stressful year intact (you just had the first anniversary of moving back to B'ham). Maybe that anniversary was the trigger. Maybe the fact that you've made it and are okay makes it safe now to face your fears. Maybe it's a release. That is what dreams are for and why people get crazy when they don't get enough deep sleep to release their deepest feelings. No matter what happens you will never be alone. You have tons of people who love you.

Tink *~*~* said...

Dreams can be very complex and enigmatic. I don't think the content to this dream is quite as important as your reaction to it. If it galvanizes you toward positive, waking life action, then good for you!

Tink *~*~*
NOW PLAYING at My Mobile Adventures *~*~* :
Sanibel Skies Over Fragile Marine Ecosystems

Rachael said...

i had a dream about a month ago that is still with me + yet others disappear quickly. i hate the ones that stick around to bug me though...they are usually unsettling.

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

I hardly ever remember a dream....it sucks.

My daughters on the other hand wake up and write theirs down,. They can tell you about freams they had from childhood.

becky @ misspriss said...

I've had similar things happen. A bad dream that just sticks with you all day, even though you keep telling yourself it wasn't real. So unsettling! I'm not sure how to shake it off, except by trying to distract myself.

Helene said...

I completely agree with Edie - you have experienced divorce in your own family as a toddler, a young adult, and now, as a mother. It's about a year ago that you were told that your dad and I were splitting up, and with everything you and Justin have had to deal with this past year, you've also spent it supporting Lianna and me through this difficult time. In about a month you'll be spending a week with your dad and Lianna, and while 'm sure that will be lots of fun, there is probably also some stress associated with the situation as well. You and Justin have had a lot to deal with these past two years, but you have a great foundation to support you. You completed pre-marriage counseling, you know how important communication is, you are absolutely committed to staying together, and you are both open to seeking professional help if needed. So, as you say, maybe the dream serves as a reminder of all those positives.

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