March 6, 2009
Twelve hours later
it sticks in my head like glue,
settles in my gut
Random thoughts crop up
I can't forget it, no peace
for my mind today
innate reactions so strong
I can't stomach it
It's hard to believe
now, that it was only a
dream - fading slowly
Do you ever have a dream that sticks with you throughout the day? I have them often. I dream very vividly and my dreams are very involved. Sometimes I think about them throughout the day, wondering what they mean. My dreams often involve people from my past that I've lost touch with, and I walk about throughout the day with a vague sense of longing for those connections. But in general, they pass. They make me contemplate, but they don't upset me.
The other night, I had a dream. It was vivid, and it was long. In the dream, Justin told me he was leaving me. He told me in a public place, and I was completely blindsided. I was in disbelief as I tried to gather my belongings, and couldn't function. I didn't know what to do or where to go. Worst of all, I didn't know WHY. In the dream, I called him the next day. There were things to be taken care of, most of all I wasn't sure if he'd really been serious, if this was really what he wanted. He confirmed it. There was Sam to think about. I asked him why. I don't really remember what was said, I do remember that he said that we hadn't been getting along and that I was too negative.
I woke feeling completely unsettled. I tried to forget about it, but it stuck with me. Throughout the day, when the dream would pop into my mind, I would get this sick feeling in my stomach. I have tears in my eyes right now just writing about it and remembering it. I don't have nightmares often, and this isn't the kind of dream I would generally classify as a nightmare. But it was extremely upsetting.
I was surprised by my reaction. I don't usually become unsettled, unglued, I don't usually become so affected by dreams, even when they're scary or bad, they don't stick in my head, not like this one. Every time I thought about it, it was like I'd been in a real fight with Justin, and I just wanted to call him and reassure myself that it was only a dream.
What did it mean? Why did I dream this? I can say that lately things around here have been stressful. Justin and I have both been stressed out, and we haven't been connecting as much as we need to. But we're still happy for the most part. We do connect on a day to day level, and there is an enormously huge gap between this little rough patch and any kind of relationship altering event like that in my dream.
So, why? Maybe it's God reminding me how good things really are. That we have a great marriage and our relationship is solid. That even to imagine not being together bring me so much pain that it takes my breath away. I guess sometimes we have to remember what bad is to know how good things really are. I feel tremendously lucky despite the hardships we've faced together these past couple of years. I guess sometimes I forget to be thankful, and to let Justin know how much I love him even when we don't always get along. We all need a little reminder sometimes, a mirror to reflect in. Maybe this was mine.
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