February 19, 2009

The Waiting Is The Hardest Part

I know I need to write something, but when I sit down in front of the computer at night, I'm just so tired. I get all these ideas during the day, I get inspired by things. But it's already 9 or 9:30 after Sam finally goes down. I am tired, worn out, and drained. I don't have a solution. I get one day a week to myself, when Sam is at the babysitter. Some weeks, I get almost the whole day to myself. I can write, read, do whatever. But other weeks, I don't. I have meetings, appointments, errands to run, and before I know it the whole day is gone and I don't feel relaxed or like I've really had a moment to myself.

Lately, I feel like I'm with Sam 24/7. I feel exhausted. Justin has been working long hours, half the time he doesn't get home until 6 or 6:30. He works at home. On the weekends, he sleeps in. I haven't slept in for a while. We try to split bedtime duties, so half the nights I end up in bed with Sam for a while. The transition to the big boy bed isn't easy, but that's a whole other post. Some nights I fall asleep in his bed, or end up there in the middle of the night. I wake up with a sore back and not feeling rested. Because of everything that's going on with my thyroid and hormones, I am fatigued. I feel tired during the day, and then at night I can barely bring myself to even cook something to eat for myself.

I don't know how to find a balance. I'm still looking for a job, and we need the money, but trying to think about how that can possibly fit in to my life and not make my head explode. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to fix it.

Talking about it out loud brings tears to my eyes, and as I tell him how I'm feeling, I feel like an ass for being so emotional. I feel like I'm asking too much. He works so that we can survive. He doesn't get time off etiher. I feel selfish saying I feel like I'm not getting any time to myself, and that sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel selfish for feeling like my little boy is too much sometimes. I love him so much, if I think of motherhood as a burden for even a second then I feel like I'm failing.

I saw an endocrinologist the other day and she told me a lot of things. It felt great to be at a doctor giving me useful information about symptoms that I've been having and one of the things she mentioned during the conversation about my thyroid and fatigue is asking me if I felt like my creativity was hampered. I didn't know that could even be a symptom, but it makes me wonder if it's not just my body that's tired but my mind? I want so badly to write. I know that I have it in me, this passion, these things that I want to share. I know I have the potential to create something beautiful, but I just can't get it out. And it's God damn frustrating. Maybe there's hope, but waiting is just so hard.


Dumblond said...

You sound almost exactly like me when my little ones were at home. My husband also worked long hours, I was trying to get my daughter to sleep in her own bed...oh yeah. All to familiar.
A group like MOPS would definitely do you good. That's what saved me! It gives you a little time away from the kids while they do something fun and you get to enjoy an adult conversation!

C said...

Oh my goodness! You just described MY life! Sorry you're having a hard time, but I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this :)

Kori said...

I wish I had one single thing of use to say; all I can offer you is a heartfelt cyber hug, and encourage you to keep talking about it. Here, at home, with friends, because if you don't, you are going to feel like you are crazy. Many, many thoughts going out to you today!