February 19, 2009

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

I know I need to write something, but when I sit down in front of the computer at night, I'm just so tired. I get all these ideas during the day, I get inspired by things. But it's already 9 or 9:30 after Sam finally goes down. I am tired, worn out, and drained. I don't have a solution. I get one day a week to myself, when Sam is at the babysitter. Some weeks, I get almost the whole day to myself. I can write, read, do whatever. But other weeks, I don't. I have meetings, appointments, errands to run, and before I know it the whole day is gone and I don't feel relaxed or like I've really had a moment to myself.

Lately, I feel like I'm with Sam 24/7. I feel exhausted. Justin has been working long hours, half the time he doesn't get home until 6 or 6:30. He works at home. On the weekends, he sleeps in. I haven't slept in for a while. We try to split bedtime duties, so half the nights I end up in bed with Sam for a while. The transition to the big boy bed isn't easy, but that's a whole other post. Some nights I fall asleep in his bed, or end up there in the middle of the night. I wake up with a sore back and not feeling rested. Because of everything that's going on with my thyroid and hormones, I am fatigued. I feel tired during the day, and then at night I can barely bring myself to even cook something to eat for myself.

I don't know how to find a balance. I'm still looking for a job, and we need the money, but trying to think about how that can possibly fit in to my life and not make my head explode. I am completely overwhelmed. I don't know how to fix it.

Talking about it out loud brings tears to my eyes, and as I tell him how I'm feeling, I feel like an ass for being so emotional. I feel like I'm asking too much. He works so that we can survive. He doesn't get time off etiher. I feel selfish saying I feel like I'm not getting any time to myself, and that sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself. I feel selfish for feeling like my little boy is too much sometimes. I love him so much, if I think of motherhood as a burden for even a second then I feel like I'm failing.

I saw an endocrinologist the other day and she told me a lot of things. It felt great to be at a doctor giving me useful information about symptoms that I've been having and one of the things she mentioned during the conversation about my thyroid and fatigue is asking me if I felt like my creativity was hampered. I didn't know that could even be a symptom, but it makes me wonder if it's not just my body that's tired but my mind? I want so badly to write. I know that I have it in me, this passion, these things that I want to share. I know I have the potential to create something beautiful, but I just can't get it out. And it's God damn frustrating. Maybe there's hope, but waiting is just so hard.


Megan R. said...

Do you belong to a Mom's group or anything? Maybe one of them could watch Sam for a few hours for you, and you could return the favor. I know it's not the answer to all your problems, but maybe a quiet nap once in a while would make things less overwhelming! And you aren't a failure for thinking those things. I think them a lot! The fact that you feel bad for thinking them shows you are a great Mom! Everybody feels overwhelmed sometimes!

Valerie said...

Megan is right. When my daughter was younger I felt overwhelmed too. I was a single mother and I just didn't always feel like playing or even listening to her sometimes. I would feel guilty to about wanting "me" time. Maybe there is a Mom's Day Out/Off progam in your area. I hope you get to feeling better!