February 5, 2009

Lost in the Past

I don't want to go back.

But there is something about it. Something about watching a young couple in love. About looking at a young girl and a young attractive man next to each other, holding hands, new love in the air.

I still remember the days of freedom. The days of dating, of making eye contact with THAT GUY, of flirting. Of a first brush of hand on hand, that first touch of lips on lips. It stirs up a longing so deep it almost hurts.

Is it a true desire, or is it just the way one feels when looking back at something they know they can never have again?

I don't want to go back.

I love my family, my husband, my beautiful son. The life I have created for myself is a happy one.

But I still remember the days of freedom. The days of time with a boyfriend or fiance when a child was not in the picture and we could do whatever we pleased. The sleeping in. Being responsible for only ourselves and being able to change our minds at a moments notice.

I wouldn't give up what I have now, but I wonder if it will always be this way. Will I always remember so clearly and deeply? Will I always wake up from dreams of people of my past, feeling the way I felt, and have this small part of me wishing that I was there? Is this just... life?


Mama Wheaton said...

I think it is. But not in a bad way. We remember the things that gave us the most pleasure, the times and feeling that were of an overwelming quality. I don't think those emotions are plenty in nature and so we remember them in order to experience them again. Be thankful for there are those few sad people who have no such mememories.

Nap Warden said...

There are times when I feel like freedom is LONG gone. I took a vacation with my Brother a couple weeks ago, and just being able to walk out the door without wrestling clothes on two screaming kiddos seemed like heaven. Not that I want to change anything...I am just looking at things from a way different perspective.

Rachael said...

wow, this post really spoke to me rachael. i wouldn't trade what i have now for anything, but i do still yearn to relive bits of my past. i think, though, that i also look forward to what the future holds for me. i have trouble rooting myself in the here and now, but i am learning.

Anglophile Football Fanatic said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes you really can live there. I have not been on Facebook to visit the exes - had a friend get divorced for that very reason, but through someone else I saw one of mine has a seriously hawt wife and 3 kids - which was STUNNING to me. And, I totally don't want to go back.

Keeper of the Skies Wife said...

I've never had that until now!! I always had a kid...I married my first boyfriend! I wouldn't give this up but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have dated other guys!

MOM said...

This is the challenge of aging. I look back to the days when my children were small and I had them with me everyday. I miss those times in a way that sometimes breaks my heart. My life has changed over and over again since I was a young woman. There have been times that I have felt so lost because my world has disappeared. Life goes on and we become new and different people. We miss the old person while we nurture and help the new person grow. I will be 50 this year and I see now that these changes will take place no matter what you do. You're not ever completely "grown up" while you're alive. It is not in our nature as humans to stay the same. The human spirit has infinite potential. We need to hold on to our memories because they are the archives of our lives.