January 12, 2009

So Unsure


These are things that I feel like I SHOULD be feeling. I finally found a doctor who listened, and gave me a diagnosis. I finally have SOME kind of answer for the things that are making me so tired, why I have trouble losing weight, the things that are causing my irregular cycles etc.

Instead, I feel tired. I mean, okay, I sort of feel tired all the time at this point. But still. I feel anxious, I feel stressed out. I feel like I'm broken, defective. Getting a diagnosis with several different things that can be causing fatigue has made me look back at the last month or two. I feel ashamed that I have so little energy and can't play with Sam the way I feel that I should be. I know he watches more TV than he should, that we go out less often than we should. I just don't have the energy. By afternoon every day, I feel like taking a nap.

For some reason, instead of having hope that after I see the endocrinologist, things will get better, I feel scared. I'm afraid that they'll medicate me and nothing will change. I'm afraid that I'll just be broken forever and be a bad mom and be fat and unhealthy.

I'm still doing research. It all makes sense. But I think that until I can get in to see the endocrinologist I'm just going to feel unsure. I have so many questions, there is so much information that I want to get. I know it's all tied together, and I need someone to tell me what is causing what, which things I need to work on first, and how the hell I can do that.

My doctor told me to be careful about what I read on the internet. I know why, it's easy to get sucked in to reading the BAD stories about anything, to scare yourself. I have read about how sometimes people with PCOS or Hypothyroidism end up never really being able to lose weight. I've read that for some people it takes an incredible amount of exercise (60+ min/day). I've read that I might have to cut out carbs, which for me would be very difficult.

Answers are only bringing more questions.

I won't be able to get into the endocrinologist for at least two weeks since I'll be on vacation until the 23rd. I don't know how easy or difficult it will be to get an appointment. But, I feel like it can't come soon enough!


Kori said...

This is the nature of life-we seldom get all of the answers we want or need in one fell swoop, but instead have to wait for them in doses. I want to comment one something, though: you are NOT a bad mom! Being overweight does not translate into being a bad person, and I hate that we live in a world where it has turned into that. I also think that you will do whatever it takes-the exercise, the cutting carbs, whatever it is, you will be able to do it. I have faith in you.

Mom said...

Spring is on the way. We can take hour long walks all of the time. It won't be hard. We'll have fun!

Mom again said...

oh yeah-happy children don't have bad moms. Have you ever seen anyone happier and goofier and interested in the world than our Sam?