January 19, 2009

Chase it Down

It is palpable.

It is alive.

I can feel it crawling from within me, creeping electricity over my skin, tingling and sharp.

Today the anger is so strong that I feel on the verge of losing control.

I want to run.

I want to escape this heaviness of responsibilities, of worry and counting only on myself.

Right now love is overshadowed by this white hot blistering, and I don't care anymore.

I don't want to be around the boy, because I don't want him to see me this way. I don't want him to think that I'm angry at him. I don't want him to take my anger on and have to bear it.

I don't want to be around him either. I almost can't stand to look at him, to try and have a coherent conversation at this point is so completely futile that I don't even want to try.

I drive.

I smoke. I admit it, I light up and try to puff this stress out the window into the chilled air as I drive on into evening.

It doesn't matter where I'm going.

This burning trickle that's taking me over requires aloneness.

But it can't last long.

I mustn't show it.

Before I can take a step, before I set foot before foot to return to the world of home, the reality of family, I must sweep this away.

Somehow I must pull the strength to act as aloe to my burn, I must push all of this inside so deep that no one sees it.

I chase the anger down with loud music and slow breaths.

I park and ready myself...

and I am home.

PS I wrote this a while ago, and was waiting for the "right time" to have an opening for it because I really wanted to share. I am not angry about anything right now :-)

4 comments:

Mama Wheaton said...

That was some intense angry. Though I think you are very considerate to go away and not involve others who are not responible for the feelings.

Temple said...

Been there...great post!

maggie's mind said...

Beautifully written, and I'm very glad to hear that the anger is gone. :)

Dawn said...

omg. I knnow exactly what you are talking about. At first I was all like "how did she get in my head (minus the smoking part)?"

It helps to get it out.