October 21, 2008

Heads or Tails: I think my wires are crossed.

This week's theme for Heads or Tails Tuesday is 'Wire'. Here's the thing - for the past few days I've been feeling a lot like someone crossed or unhooked some of the wires in my head. I'm sort of... out of sorts. I feel weird. To tell you the truth, I feel a little like I'm floating. I'm not really sure why. Everything in my life just seems a little bit off to me right now. My head feels cloudy.

I feel disorganized, but don't have the usual drive to get things in order. I feel anxious and relaxed at the same time. My house is dirty and I want it to be cleaner, but I also don't care that much. In a way, it's sort of nice. But it makes me feel weird.

I've been having mood swings. I'm happy then I'm sad. I love my son then I want to be alone. I feel weird.

I've been weirdly tired, I spent most of the day falling asleep on Sunday and dozing. It was kind of pleasant. But it made me feel weird.

I've been having weird appetite fluctuations. Some days, nothing sounds good to eat. I went out to dinner the other night and ate less than half my meal. It's not a bad thing to not overeat. But the lack of hunger and desire to eat up... well, it makes me feel weird.

I've been feeling funny in my tummy, not sick necessarily, but unsettled. It feels... weird.

I'm also walking on a wire. You know how Lotus and Loralee are pregnant? Well, last week I found out that one of my good friends, Amy, is expecting too! Which brings me to the wire... we all put ourselves up there sometimes, balancing between truth and dreams with no net. Here's the thing... I have the fever. The baby fever. I have ups and downs in this area, I want another baby, we both do, but because of the issues we've had in the past it hasn't always been as simple as just wanting it. For some reason, for the past week, I have not been able to get it out of my head.

The background is that we have Sam, who's almost 2. We started trying to get pregnant again when Sam was around 16 months old. We went back to the fertility clinic and they totally pumped me full of Clomid, which caused PCOS. I haven't had any fertility drugs for almost a year, but my cycles are still regular as anything - 28 days almost to the dot most months, which is not normal for me. We did one round of IUI earlier this year, but it (obviously) didn't take, we think beacuse it was right before Justin was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and health was not abundant in our house at that time. Since then, we've lost money. We aren't able to afford going back to the doctor to try IUI again or have cycles monitored by ultrasound. Even if we HAD $600 extra a month, we'd have to put it towards bills and groceries at this point. So, we haven't been using birth control, but we haven't been trying - since Justin said he didn't think we'd be able to do anything until next year, I haven't even been monitoring my cycles (although I'm about to start again, cause hey, why not).

I don't trust or have much hope that we could get pregnant on our own, not after how things went last time. Yet, somehow, even though we've had sex... an embarrassingly low number of times, even though I've never gotten pregnant on our own before, even though I'm not even due for my period yet... I'm walking a fine line here. I'm walking a wire between my head trying to convince me that maybe my out-of-sorts-ness means that I could be pregnant, and my heart, which is about 99% positive that that is completely ridiculous and not the case.

Why do I do it to myself? When we're not even monitoring or trying in earnest, why sit here and daydream about a July or August baby, why think about how it felt when I was pregnant and the baby kicked, why give myself the hope of being pregnant and going through things at the same time as one of my friends? Why walk this wire?

I don't know why, but it is what it is. I will continue. Every day I will simultaneously hope not to get my period, and hope that it would just COME already so that I could stop this silliness and get back to reality.

What wire are you walking in your life this week?


Loralee Choate said...

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Why I didn't have infertility problems, I got pregnant the one month we WEREN'T trying.

Skittles said...

I have been having some similar symptoms and recently found out I might have ADHD. At age 52! (I may have had it much longer.) I posted about this recently.. and you can probably find it without too much scrolling on my blog.

It sounds like you feel as if you're missing something in your life. Whether it's a baby or something else, of course I can't say. But again I know that feeling.

I'm no expert, but I guess if you were to honestly allow your thoughts to come forward, you could discover what the thing is. Often when our minds are "stuck" our actions get "stuck" too.

I hope you'll talk to your doctor about this to at least rule out any health problems.

(You may think I'm weird to ask this.. but were you abused as a child? I was and have two blogs relating to issues I got from it.. Agoraphobia/Panic attacks and PTSD - Adult Survivors of Child Abuse. Both links can be found on my right sidebar.)

Anonymous said...

Wow, I can relate although with having 3 little ones now, I don't feel like I want any more. I feel the fog though, and watch what I am eatting very closely. It's amazing what food can do to your brain. We don't eat out anymore, and I cook 5x batchs of food, then make our own freezer meals that last for months. I removed lots of clutter too twice a week...once on trash day, and once on another day which was a trip to Goodwill. I made sure I tossed or donated a minimum of 1 kitchen garbage bag stuffed full of junk, or contributions, per trip. Now our house is totally managable. I think it is important to get your mind in a positive place before trying to bring a new baby into the world. I was really lucky to be in that good place with my third child, because when she was born, we suddenly discovered she had severe medical issues, including Down syndrome. I went into a state of depression for a few days, then bounced back, and we have been loving life ever since. She is a bit like having 2 kids though, since she needs a little more care, and attention, but she also gives twice the love. I just wanted to share and say thank you for your wonderful blog, and wish you good luck in all that you do.

Karen said...

I hope you can get things sorted out. You might have depression.

Kori said...

I can't even begin to talk about my wires, ha ha, but I will say one of hte first things I thought LONG before I got to the bottm of your post was "is she sure she isn't pregnant?" FWIW, ha ha.

tumblewords said...

Good luck in getting your wires uncrossed and finding what it is that needs updating. I always feel that way in the fall - it's a pre-SAD time, I guess. Anyway, good luck!

Sarcastic Mom said...

Oh, honey. The "why" for me is that without hope we just drift. I've drifted so much... it's no fun. Let yourself feel hopeful and embrace it!

I will hope along with you.