September 27, 2008

TGIF? More like FTFF.

Be creative, you can figure out what that stands for. I'll give you a hint. The "T" stands for 'this' and the last "F" stands for Friday.

Yesterday sucked. Today kind of sucks too.

Yesterday was my last day in the office of a company I worked for for a combined total of 2.5 years. It was my first HR job. It was the first company I ever worked for that I believed in, where I felt like I was contributing to something great. I met one of my best friends, Laurie, there. She has not only been a friend, but a mentor. We've both been through (and are going through) tough times. She is the kind of friend where we can not talk for months, but when we do, I don't feel like we've grown apart.

Yesterday was the weirdest work day I've ever had. See, I've never been let go before. The other times I've left places where I've loved my job and developed relationships with some of the people I work with, I've given notice. Everyone has known that my last day was coming. I had a chance to say goodbye and to be seen off. This time was different. I walked around the office, passing people. They didn't know it was my last day. They don't know that my position was eliminated. I was unhappy. I sort of wanted to cry. I had an exit interview with my boss & the two people who will be absorbing most of my duties. It was awkward and it sucked. The one person I wanted to say goodbye to wasn't at her desk, and I didn't feel like searching the entire office for her.

Yesterday I was forced to leave a place I wasn't ready to leave. It wasn't my choice. I want to go back.

After work, I went to the zoo. I took my time and looked at all the animals, but some of my favorites were nowhere to be found. It didn't really cheer me up. While I was there, the woman from the part time HR job in Bellingham I applied for called me. We chatted and set up an interview for next week. It's necessary, and I will be happy if I get it. It would be wonderful to continue to be able to work part time. But there's so much else weighing on me right now that I'm having a hard time being excited about it. On the way home I stopped at the outlets, and looked for some interview clothes. For why I needed new clothes, and what the shopping experience felt like, I've written all about it over at Unconventional Fear.

So, to sum it up, this week I: Lost my job, had my actual last day, found out that the government doesn't give a crap about the $10,000 of medical expenses we had last year and still would like us to pay them $20,000 for taxes, made an appointment with our bankruptcy attourney for next week, and for the last 2 days have suffered from effing PMS.

I wish I could be optimistic. The world is full of color and happiness, but today I don't care. I don't want to look at it. I don't want to chase Sam, or make him laugh. I don't even want to read. I feel apathetic and let down. I don't feel depressed, it's different. What else could go wrong? Does it even matter?

I promise that I'll stop posting about my pity party soon. It's just hard for me to concentrate on anything else right now.


Kori said...

It's another day-and I am so sorry it scuked (I haven't bee nthrough your other posts yet, so don't know if it got better or not); I don't think it is self-pity, I just think yo uare being honest about how you feel0which is a necessary thing.

bejewell said...

Listen - I NEVER talk about this on my blog, but we're in the process of filing for bankruptcy, too. Credit cards and unexpected medical bills, along with the hubs getting laid off from a lucrative job, were what did us in. I struggle daily with the sense of shame and stress and all kinds of ugly shit.

But in the end it'll all work out - I believe that for me, and for you too.

On the job front - some of the best jobs I've ever had were the ones I didn't want to have to look for. It's that whole "one door closes, another one opens" theory. I may be a godless heathen, but THAT, I believe.

Hang in there and if you want to share bankruptcy sob stories, let me know.

P.S. Your word verification is trying to kill me.