September 12, 2008

The Pregnancy Issue

Haiku Friday

Another baby
Is it in the cards for me
I just can't decide

My heart, tugged this way
and that, so confused and sad
what is right for us?

No, not that pregnancy issue. I talked about that last Friday. The pregnancy issue I'm talking about here is mine... should I or shouldn't I?

It's a touchy subject for me. When I finally got pregnant with Sam, we'd been trying for almost two years. I was literally convinced that I was never going to get pregnant and we had started setting money aside to adopt. Now, Sam is two. The chances of us getting pregnant on our own are pretty slim, and in no way to we have the money to go through more rounds of IUI right now. While it would be nice to have $600 extra dollars a month, we just don't, and I don't see us having that money for quite a while.

The other day, I brought up the issue to Justin. I asked, are we ever going to have another baby? He replied that he didn't see anything happening for at least a year. I felt my heart tear a little with his words, and was speechless. I have a raging conflict inside me when it comes to this issue.

Say we wait a year, then start trying. It's likely to take a couple of months. Say it takes three. Sam will then be three and a half when I get pregnant, and will be four when I have the baby. The question is, is that what I want? Do I want to start over with an infant after four years? I just don't know.

Part of me thinks that it would be fine, four years is not that far apart, it's not adding that much time to the amount of time we have children in our house. I've always wanted two kids, and I wanted Sam to have a sibling. In my perfect world, I would have had two kids, two years apart. I admit that the way things have gone for the last year, I'm glad that we didn't have an infant during this time. With all of the stress, moving, money problems, and Sam's delays, I'm glad that we didn't have another baby in the mix. But when I think about having children so far apart in age, it's just not familiar to me. I'm not saying it wouldn't turn out great, I just don't know as much about it.

Part of me thinks that I don't want to do it. I don't want to start all over after having spent four years with my little boy. The older he gets, the more feasible it seems to me to just have one child, to focus all my time and energy on the one I already have. I wonder if it would really be so bad if I was never pregnant again, if Sam was my only child and I just loved him with all I have.

Right now, neither part seems to be winning out. Both options break my heart a little bit. I do really want to be pregnant again - I want that feeling of having a baby growing inside me, feeling the kick for the first time, seeing the baby on the ultrasound, giving birth and holding my beautiful, perfect, tiny baby in my arms. I want to see the look on Sam's face when he meets his little brother or sister and watch them grow up together. It breaks my heart to think of never experiencing any of that. But I also miss having time for myself, being able to write, and I'll be starting over with diapers right as I've finished potty training and starting over with bottles and binkies when my child is almost in school. Maybe it's selfish, but I would be giving something up. I guess I'd be giving something up either way.

There's also always the possibility that we wouldn't be able to conceive. Adoption would be our option then, and that adds a lot of other choices, decisions, work, money, and confusion to the mix.

It's all very confusing. I have no idea what I want, although after writing this, I'm leaning more towards the 2nd baby option. I love watching siblings together, and couldn't imagine how wonderful it would be to watch my children play. I'm just impatient. It's hard for me to imagine waiting another year to even try. These days, my life doesn't seem to have turned out how I thought it would.

What about you? How many children do you have and how many did you want? How did you decide?


Wendy said...

I have one and wanted two. Now I'm afraid I'm done (biologically), plus having an older husband who wants the snip-snip. How are couples supposed to navigate around a yes or no issue? It is hard to not feel resentful. Plus, we had a pretty easy time getting pregnant the first time but then spent years not getting pregnant afterward (even tho everyone says, oh, be careful if you don't want another!!). Frustrating.... Sounds like you have time. I'm all in favor of the "oops" baby!!

Patsy said...

Many years ago I had a daughter and I was through -- then 3 years 9months later I had a second daughter after my husband begged me for a second child. Then God decided I needed a thrid daughter (and he was right) and 13 months later she was born. I obviously didn't face the challenge of infurtility so I can't help you there. But I can tell you that all three girls are very close now. The nearly 4 years between the fist and second don't seem to matter and even when they were younger we made it work. Love is all that is really needed.

Immoral Matriarch said...

My personal opinion: the closer together, the better. Mine are 22 months apart and that's been perfect. Too much space, and they'll be at each other's throats 24/7 like I was with my brother [6 years younger] and sister [12 years younger].

maggie's mind said...

A tough decision, but also such a personal one. I understand the cost issue, too, and that's why I'm not a mama. Maybe I will be someday, but it's getting less likely, and I'd guess it would just be one. I think I'd be OK with that, but that's just for me standing in my shoes. I bet if you discuss it a little and then wait a little the right answer will come.

Mrs. Chicken said...

I am four years older than my sister, and I love her to bits.

I know what you mean about hesitating. The Poo is almost four and things were just getting easier when we had the baby this summer.

It was a decision that I had to make decisively and stick to it, and many days while pregnant it seemed like a terrible idea.

But it goes w/o saying how much I love my baby boy.

Wishing you luck and peace in your heart.

Auds at Barking Mad said...

Oh goodness...I don't even know where to begin with this.

I have four. Twins who are 18, a 15 year old and my 2.5 year old who was this huge blessing. 3 years before getting pregnant with her, I went through chemo for the treatment of breast cancer. Was told that my chances of getting pregnant were slim.

Lo and behold I got pregnant.

Something inside me, maybe it is my age (I'm not young) told me this was it. I don't know. I am totally comfortable with my decision, although there are times when I worry that she is, for all intents and purposes, an only child. Her siblings are far too much older than her to have that sort of close bond that children born closer together (and really, 3-4 years isn't too bad) have. But we can devote time and attention to her...yes, that's selfish. But it's what works for us.

There are times though, when I see a newborn and that old desire to hold another one, and smell that incredible smell and drench myself in the newness of life, almost overtakes me.

Then the Little Imp walks in and tells me she just pooped and I am once again, slapped back into reality!

Misguided Mommy said...

i think you should jsut start trying on your own. it took me 3 years and 3 rounds of IUI"s with my first son. With my second we decided to try on our own for a bit and one month later i was knocked up...they often say pregnancy fixes the things that were wrong before...what have you got to lose trying?

Liceagarealestate said...

Wow. With all the "extra" kids running around, and rampant overpopulation, you would think  people would stop being baby machines. I appreciate the Romanticism you ladies have about children. For me, it is nothing but the tearing out of my vagina and soul. I would love it if you ladies enlightened me. 

Rachael1013 said...

Having 2 kids isn't really being a "baby machine." If you don't choose to have children, that's fine. Some people don't. I have always wanted to be a mother, but I don't romanticize it at all. It's really hard sometimes. It's not always fun. But the moments that are fun make it worth it. If you feel that strongly about not having children, I don't think that anyone can explain anything that will make you change your mind.