August 21, 2008

I just want to be ME

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My two week vacation in New Jersey ended on Tuesday. The day started out with Sam waking up playing the role of Mr. Not-enough-sleep-crabby-pants. With taking care of him and trying to let HIM sleep on the plane by holding him in freakishly uncomfortable positions, I ended up being awake for about 23 hours that day. I finally got to bed at 3:30 AM (6:30 AM EST). Sam got up the next day at 8:30. This morning, he got up at 6:15.

Maybe, if he would let his Dad take care of him, it wouldn't be as bad. But it has to be ME. I have to be the one to get out of bed and sit on the couch with him. I have to be the one to get him breakfast and try to interpret it when he whines.

I broke down in tears this morning because I am EXHAUSTED and I am overwhelmed. The idea of spending another eight hours alone with Sam made me feel defeated. Right now, I really need to just be ME. It's been 16 days of sole responsibility taking care of Sam. Sure, my Stepmom and little sister were a HUGE help, but in the end it was still me he ran to when he wanted something badly, still me who had to get him out of the crib when he woke at 3 AM, still me who he wanted to sleep with, which means my sleep was hindered.

I don't want to be MOM right now, I just want to be me. I need time to decompress from an emotional trip. I don't want anyone whining at me, pulling at my arms and clothing to get me to do things for them. I don't want anyone climbing on me, hitting me, putting their elbows into me, putting their mouth on me. I don't want to make decisions or be RESPONSIBLE anymore. Right now I really just want to be myself for a few minutes. I want to sleep until I don't feel tired, I want to read a book, I want to watch a TV show that's not Dora or Word World or The Wonderpets. I want to sit in a place where there is no WHINING for a few hours.

Justin said he'd try to get home from work early, but tonight I head down to Seattle which means visiting with Violet and her kids - which is DELIGHTFUL, but still not getting any time to myself. Tomorrow I have to work. For once I really, really can't wait for the weekend when Justin will be home from work. This week, Friday DOES mean something... it might mean my sanity.

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