May 21, 2008

Not Feeling Funny

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I want to write something light and funny, but I'm just not in the mood. I have so much going on in my life right now. For the past several months I've been holding everything in, not thinking about it and trying to go about my business. I've been doing a pretty good job of it. At first I was feeling better than ever. But every once in a while I have a day or two where that exterior cracks, and I break down a little bit when I feel the stress and weight of everything coming down on me. Today is definitely one of those days. When I think of all the things going on in my life, it's just the way it is. I deal with it because I have to. But when I list them all out and try to look at it objectively, I can say that this is probably one of the most difficult times I've ever gone through. Luckily, I have a good support system, but that doesn't mean that my eyes aren't dry from crying today.

Some of the things going on are money related. My husband's new job pays 40% of his old job, which is not cutting the mustard. I don't want to get a full time job because I don't want to put Sam in day care 8 hours a day and spend only 3 hours a night with him before his bedtime. We have a mountain of debt that we can't afford to pay, a car with a least we can't pay off, medical bills we can't pay. Yesterday Justin brought up the B word - bankruptcy. Obviously we haven't really looked into it yet, but the fact that we'd even be researching it at 28 years old scares the fuck out of me.

My Dad and Stepmom are getting divorced. There is a lot around that, and a lot of feelings. They just told my 9 year old sister the other day, which is what has me in tears today. Somehow the idea of her having to go through it and my stepmom having to try and explain things to her is breaking my heart a little bit.

My father-in-law has Parkinson's Disease. We were planning on moving in with him to help out with the house/property and help him. But everything is delayed. He's not making any decisions, the addition we were hoping would be done in less than a year hasn't even been started yet. Our future is up in the air since our plan was to move in with him and now it feels like he hasn't truly made a decision yet.

My husband has been fairly sick for a while and a month ago got diagnosed with Celiac's Disease. We're dealing with it, he's on a gluten-free diet, but the road to recovery is long and full of mistakes and stomach aches.

We are still trying to have another child, but the diagnosis has delayed it, along with Justin getting an ear infection and a bad cough. Hopefully next month we'll be back at the doctor, but that's another thing that costs money.

One of the biggest things that I'm having to get used to right now is Sam's development. We've been a little bit worried for a couple of months about his lack of speech. He babbles, sometimes he blurts out a word once, but then doesn't use it again. Our doctor's office sends out the Ages & Stages Questionaire before each appointment. We filled out the 24 month survey and it revealed possibly developmental delays in speech, fine motor skills, and relating on a personal level. They referred us to St. Joseph Hopsital for a full evaluation. It's not the end of the world by any means. It's something we can work on since it's early. But it's not going to be easy. My Mom was in Early Childhood Education for a long time and is now in Special Education. She has friends at work who know about this kind of thing. We're going to have to start being more firm in making Sam ask for things, through words or at least through signing. Today I watched my Mom tell Sam that he could have another cracker if he signed 'more'. I know he knows how to do it, because he makes that hand motion for Itsy Bitsy Spider, and a while back that was the one sign we managed to teach him. He wouldn't do it. He whined and cried. He didn't get a cracker. I just got a glimpse of how hard it is going to be to really stick to it, especially when I'm the one who will be with him most of the time trying to teach him. We don't have a formal diagnosis of delay or anything yet, but I'm expecting it. It's frustrating, I know he is so smart, understands so much. But now it's frustrating because he can't tell us what he wants/needs, but knows what it is.

Other than that, Sam is great. Today he practiced with a spoon and was able to actually scoop onto the spoon. Now if we can just work on getting the food to his mouth without dumping the spoon, we'll be set! He also walked down a set of 5 normal sized stairs today without holding on to a hand, railing, anything! I was quite impressed. He makes an elephant noise and a train noise (complete with pulling hand motion). He can identify a cat, a dog, and an elephant in pictures. He's up to 26 lb 6 oz, and up to the 25th percentile for weight (he was 10th at 18 mo). He's 36 inches tall, and in the 80th percentile there. He had to get blood drawn at his doctor appointment, which was just awful. I think the holding him down part was much worse to him than the actual needle stick.

I try to keep my mind on the good stuff, the things Sam does. Revelling in him splashing through a mud puddle, feeding himself macaroni and cheese, watching him climb into the car by himself, watching him push his trains on the track all around the train table in his room, the way he walks to the kitchen and goes to the cabinet or refridgerator when we ask if he's hungry. The way he cuddles with me in the morning when it's just a little too early for me to wake up fully and I let him watch a cartoon. The way I love him... although if I think about the depth of that, it's almost just as likely to make me cry as the stressful stuff.

Justin's away on a business trip right now in Hollywood. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day and I'll make it to Monday night when he gets back without too much trouble.

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