October 18, 2005


It's 9:22 and I'm about to head off to bed. The TV is off and Justin is asleep on the couch, and I'm not feeling too sick. I am feeling very peaceful right now. I think maybe I'm starting to feel better from the sickness (for real this time hopefully). I still don't feel like myself, but I have longer bouts of being more normal feeling and am able to eat a little bit more normal food. I have been eating a lot of fruit leather, it's easy and doesn't make me feel sick, plus it's fruit! I can't wait until our doctor appointment tomorrow and seeing the baby again. I feel like I have been waiting forever.

I had a really bad day at work today - just felt really stressed out and overwhelmed and the pregnancy hormones aren't helping. I feel like there is so much to do, I am getting behind and am supposed to be hiring for four positions. One of the ones I'm trying to fill is my old job, and the person in it now is leaving, this Friday is his last day. So, since we're obviously not going to have it done by then it means that 1. Starting Monday, I'm probably going to have to do all of it, and 2. I'm going to have to be the one to train whoever we get to replace him. We have one more person coming in on Thursday for an interview, so we'll see how that goes. With all of this stuff, and pressure, I feel like shutting down, like running away and hiding instead of doing my job.

I am also supposed to go to this seminar in 2 weeks (Oct 28-30) and I don't think I can do it. There are several reasons, including that it runs 10 AM - Midnight and I can't even imagine staying up that late, especially 3 days in a row. I can barely stay awake past 9:30! I am also not sure that now is the right time... it's a sort of a personal development thing, and I don't think that with all of the hormones and being so tired that it's necessarily the best time to go to this. If I go, I want to be able to be there and I don't feel like I can. The problem is that I already paid the tuition, and $500 is a pretty big chunk of change. Hence, needing to call them. It's normally non-refundable, but I feel like this is a legitimate thing that I didn't know about. How could you know what this felt like unless you had been pregnant before!

Anyhow, despite everything in my world, I feel good right now. I'm happy. We're getting our money figured out and I am counting down the 4 1/2 more months that I'll be working. I am so excited and happy... Today I was at Fred Meyer getting a few things and I was walking through the clothes section and passed through the baby section. It was so great to be there and to feel happy, and excited thinking about our baby. We have wanted this for a long time, maybe not in the grand scheme of things, but for us, during that time, it seemed like forever. I guess it's true - all it took was letting go a little bit, and we got our blessing. I feel weird saying that, because I'm not a religious person or anything, but I don't know how better to describe it. I love the baby so much already and I haven't even seen a picture of it that looks baby-like! I feel like it's some kind of miracle...

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