It was not a good day.

It was not a good day.

It started early.  I dreamed that Sam had been asleep on our couch and had been shot by intruders.  I thought he was dead.  When I knew they were gone and I walked into the room, his face was frozen with this expression of such fear.  Then I realized he was still breathing.  I called 911, and for some reason was not in the ambulance with him.  I drove, but then no one would tell me which hospital they had taken him to.  When I finally found out, I had a hard time getting there.  I walked up to the surgery desk and told them I was there for my son, and that he'd been shot.  Right then, I was awakened by Sam coming in to ask if he could lay in our bed.  Normally, we don't let him.  But I couldn't say no.

And that would have been enough.  It was just a dream, but 12 hours later I found that I didn't know how to banish it from my head completely, and it still makes me feel a bit like crying.

Danny got up first, then Sam an hour and a half later.  Things were all right for a while, but I was bristly.  I was sitting at the computer trying to order a new lunch bag for Sam since his has been inexplicably torn apart, and they were pushing and whining.  I moved Sam out of my way.  He screamed at me, pushing isn't nice, why did you push me.  I didn't push him, but I moved him physically and I probably shouldn't have.  I know that I didn't hurt anything besides his feelings.  He's sensitive.  Even when we fight, or when he is mad at me, he does not want to be away from me.  We can not send him to his room to calm down, he can't go be alone, it makes it 100 times worse.

At that moment, I envisioned myself just running.  Out the front door, closing them in, shutting out the whining and the crying and screaming and crying myself, throwing the kind of tantrum that I have to listen to from them. I think most mothers have those days where we just want to be ourselves for one. minute.  Please, just a couple of minutes without someone pulling on me, touching me, climbing on me.  Let me have my own skin back.

But what can you do?  You just have to move on.  So we got calmed down.  Until Sam started begging me to buy another game from the Wii downloads.  Kid, are you kidding?  In the past week, we have gotten more than 5 new games for various reasons.  We also dug out several old GameCube games to play on the Wii.  I'm not buying a new game.  And he's full on throwing a huge, crying, yelling fit.

I stared at him, because in those moments, all I could think is how he was acting like a spoiled brat.  Maybe he IS one.  And if he is, it's all my fault.  There must be somewhere I'm going wrong.  I must not be teaching him to appreciate what he has, or making him earn things.  We give him too much and then we expect him to forget about it when we say no?  He is a good kid, and I know that.  But on the days when we hit snags, it feels like failure.

Justin dealt with his tantrum.  He took him to his room and I held Danny and put on an episode of Backyardigans.  My heart was racing, adrenaline rushing through my veins, and I was so mad.  I listened to the sounds of the screaming, the jumping up and down and stomping coming from Sam's room and I was so, so angry.  It's not right or rational, it's not loving or motherly.  No one gets to me the way my kids do.  It's hard, but I know it also means that I love them.

Twenty minutes later, they emerged, and it was like nothing ever happened.  Sam was calm again, happy, smiling.   We had an unexpected visitor, my husband's brother dropping off some things from the old house that we didn't know were coming.  Justin and I both got prickly and then the kids were just whining again.  I had to get away.  I escaped to our bedroom and I sat in the dark for 15 minutes, feeling sad and frustrated and remembering that my monthly visit was starting meaning I am sensitive and a little dark and scowly.  I wanted to leave the house, I was feeling trapped.  But next thing I knew, it was 4:00.  The day was mostly gone, and we still weren't dressed and I don't think we're going anywhere.

While Sam and Danny were eating, I escaped to the computer and looked in my feedreader.  One of the birth blogs I read posted a beautiful video of a home birth.  I sat there and wrote something on Facebook about the dream that I'm still thinking about.  A friend posted a comment on it, a virtual hug of sorts, and I felt the tears come back, stinging my eyes.  It hurts to think about it.

I watched the birth video, and it was beautiful.  But I found myself sitting at my desk and the tears in my eyes were not just for the beauty, they were for my longing.  I watched her arms around her husband's neck, the blind grasping for her support, the intimacy of having that person who can anchor you.  Things are just not the same now than they used to be, and I miss it.

5:00 pm and the sky began to darken, and we were still in our pajamas and no one had showered and I was hungry and the day was coming to a close.  Another friend recommended some acupressure points that are supposed to help you recover from nightmares, and I did a Google search and found some information.  As I looked at it, I felt tears in my eyes again and I wondered if this whole day and the way I experienced it came from some stupid, horrible dream I'd had.

It was not a good day.

Friday Fragments: Igloos, Vampires & Snowy Owls

Friday Fragments are bits and pieces of your week that are usually brief; too short for a stand-alone post, but too good to discard. Collect humorous observations, "Heard" items, and other small gems and put them together in a Friday Fragments post.

Friday Fragments are the brainchild of Mrs.4444 and you can find more at Half Past Kissin' Time.

*****

We have been in the process of having Sam formally evaluated for possible Aspergers or developmental delays.  This week, though, he was acting so much more mature.  My Mom pointed out that Sam has had a pattern of being about six months behind, so it may make sense that he is now moving from acting like a 4 1/2 year old to acting more like a typical 5 year old.  For the first time this week he actually answered my question about what he learned at school that day!  He told me that snowy owls build their nests on the ground.  Female snowy owls.  It is so amazing to get these glimpses into the kinds of conversations and time together we might have a year from now.

*****

Danny on the other hand has been a TOTAL pill this week.  At first we thought maybe he was getting sick.  Now it's been going on for days - he is tired, he whines all day long...  I am starting to think maybe he's about to reach some huge milestone.  Maybe to start talking?  That would sure be nice!

*****

We went and saw Underworld Awakening this week.  It was just as I expected, and I quite enjoyed it.  I was really surprised that the girl in it was India Eisley.  Why?  Because I saw her on The Secret Life of the American Teenager when I watched the first season, and I totally thought she was a TERRIBLE actress.  I guess that's just how her character was supposed to be on that show??  I quite enjoyed her in this movie.  I enjoyed the movie as a whole, I am a huge vampire/werewolf fan and have seen all four of these in the theaters.  And if they don't make a fifth, I will be SERIOUSLY surprised since the ending might as well have said "to be continued."

*****

Speaking of vampires, I'm currently listening to the audiobook of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  I'm really enjoying it!  Part of the reason is because there is so much history in it - I did not know much about Abraham Lincoln and now I know more.  I also find that I have trouble reading historical fiction that's written in the manner of the time, but that if I can read a historical novel written in modern terms, I really, really enjoy them.

*****

This post at Absolutely Bananas cracked me up.  Because, only in Seattle would you come across an igloo and find a bunch of hippies smoking weed inside of it.

*****

I was touched by this post over at Geek in Heels about her first time volunteering serving food at a local homeless shelter.  A lot of times, we do forget how much we have, and how amazing the things we get to experience day to day are.  Volunteering is so rewarding, and lately I have really been missing my volunteer work.  I think it might be time to figure out how to go back to DVSAS, or find another place that will fit into my schedule.

*****

This made me giggle.

It Shouldn't Exist.

1. Dreadlocks on white people.
2. Botox or ever injecting disease into yourself on purpose to be "attractive."
3. Black licorice.
4. Neuticals.
5. Anything with anise.
6. Truck Nuts.
7. Axe Body Spray.
8. Big Johnson T-Shirts.
9. Scientology.
10. Toddlers & Tiaras.
11. Calvin peeing decals. 
12. Almost every Pit Bull song.
13. These song lyrics: "Shush girl, shut your lips Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips."  (FAIL, 3Oh!3...)
14. El Caminos.
15. The book "Get Married This Year: 365 Days to 'I Do'"
16. Pants with words across the ass (especially in children's sizes).
17. The movie "21 Grams."
18. Mosquitos.
19. Non Alcoholic Beer.
20. YOU CHOOSE - What else?

Non Sequitur

Last time I had a day off, I sat on the bottom floor of the library building at the community college where Justin works. I had plans - I wanted to read some that day, and write a few blog posts. Instead, I went for a walk after I dropped Sam off at school. I took some pictures of details on some of the houses around the Columbia neighborhood and played with my new camera lens. I went to my Weight Watcher's meeting, then I plonked myself down at a table with my computer, and sat there for 5 hours. And I didn't write much. I DID write (as in by hand) a long (and long overdue) letter to my penpal, which took over an hour. I did get to talk to my sister on the phone for almost an hour and get all caught up. I did get caught up with all the posts in my feedreader. And I managed to post my weekly update. But I didn't write much. Part of me feels disappointed about it, even though I got a couple things done that I really wanted to do, I also wanted to write and spend part of the day reading. Sometimes, I feel like there are not enough hours to finish everything I want to finish. I get a whole day off once a week, which is absolutely amazing. Somehow at the end of that day, I'm always left feeling like there was SOMETHING I didn't get done. I guess that's just life, right?  I find that with limited amounts of time, I have a hard time deciding which things I want to do, and which to push aside.  There are emails in my inbox that I should have already replied to, but instead I was reading blog posts.  There were phone calls I could have made, appointments to be scheduled, that I didn't even think about all day.  Right now Danny is not able to take care of himself to the point where I can get much done at home.  It will be nice when he's a bit older and I can do some of those things during the day while he's around.  Or not.  Who am I kidding anyhow, Sam is five and still wants to be with me most of the time.

*****

This Tuesday, I'm felt more relaxed.  I had to take Sam to an appointment this morning, so I didn't get started on my day until about 11:30.  I headed straight to my Weight Watchers meeting, which took until 1:00 once I got in and got settled.  It was worth it, my weigh in was rewarding this week when I met my first short term goal of losing 5% of my weight.  It's slow going, but I am feeling really optimistic about it right now.  I went shopping for a couple of things, and got curtain rods to hang in the hall to create a gallery for Sam's work.  I can't wait to see it done, and I'll post photos when it's finished.  I haven't gotten to any of the posts in my reader, and I've only read about 20 pages today, but I'm looking forward to my date night with Justin tonight.  Maybe all of this is partly a result of being trapped in my house last week for literally almost a week.  From Friday to Friday, I left the house for 3 hours on Saturday with the kids, and for about 6 hours on Monday to attend a memorial service.  After that, we were snowed in until Friday afternoon!  It was crazy.  So I appreciate my freedom today!

*****

I can't believe it's almost February.  I feel like this month has flown by (despite the way last week seemed to drag on and on while it was happening).  I got to go down to Seattle last Friday to visit my best friend - I'm going to do that once a month from now on.  I've been missing her like crazy lately and it was really, really nice to spend time with her.  We hung out, did a Golden Globe winner double feature and saw The Artist and The Descendants, and stayed up until 2 in the morning talking.  It nurtured my spirit. 

*****

 I feel like I haven't been writing enough, and I need to find my muse again.  I know that there are words in here that want to escape, I just need to find a way to lure them out.

Week 7: 5% Woo!

Current Weight:   235.0
+/- this week:   -4.2
+/- this round:   -14.8
+/- total:    -31.9
Short Term Goal 1:   237.8 (5%) MET!
Short Term Goal 2:   225.8 (10%)


I met my first goal of 5%!  Yay!  I also lost 4.2 pounds this week.  Maybe less/more, for the past 2 weeks I lost 5.2 pounds and since I didn't have an official weigh in last week, I'm not sure how much happened each week.  I'm excited to be meeting goals.  It's so encouraging!  I got my 5% star sticker at my meeting today.  My next short term goal is my 10% - 225.8 or about 25 pounds.

I ate very poorly last week as a result of being trapped in the house all week, but I was also sick, so I didn't eat as much.  I also got almost NO activity aside from a walk yesterday with my Mom, my Sister and her Fiance, but it was a good walk - 2 hours on the trail.

There are no big challenges this week, and I'm going to try and go for walks with Danny twice, and do a higher intensity workout twice.

Tonight is date night, so I may not get much done, but either when we get home or tomorrow, I'll be making a new meal plan and putting together a grocery list for what we'll be eating this week.  I have all my cookbooks ready and I'm actually looking forward to cooking some new things.  

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  31.9 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%) - Met 1/24/12
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
To Go: 75 lbs

Penguins Are Disgusting

S:  Mama.  Mama.  Mama.  I have to tell you something.
R:  Yes?
S:  I love you.
R:  I love you too.
S:  I never stop loving you.
R:  I never stop loving you either.
S:  When I am angry, I never stop loving you.  You are the best at Kirby's Adventures in Dreamland.

Isn't it lovely how a sweet conversation still becomes something that revolves around video games?

*****

Twice in the last two days, Sam and I have had laughing fits together.  Something funny is said, then we laugh, his laughing sets me off and then my laughing sets him off, and we just laugh and laugh.  In those moments, there is nothing but pure joy.

*****

S:  Some things are the same, and some are different.  God and Jesus are supposed to be the same.
R:  Oh?  Who is Jesus?
S:  He is the one who decides if you are a boy or a girl.  And what color your eyeballs are.  That's all I can think of right now.
R:  Who is God?
S:  I don't know.

*****

S:  Penguins are disgusting.
R:  What?  Why?
S:  The way penguins eat is disgusting.  They eat food out of other penguin's mouths.  It's disgusting.
R:  Well... actually, a lot of birds eat that way.  But it is kind of gross.

Week 6: There snow official weigh in this week

Current Weight:   239.2 - 10.6 pounds! (unofficial)
+/- this week:   -1.0
+/- total:    -27.7
Short Term Goal 1:   237.8 (5%)

I didn't go to my meeting today.

This is WASHINGTON.  People freak out a bit at an inch or two of snow.

Let alone a foot.

I don't even know if the Weight Watchers office was open today.  But I certainly wasn't going anywhere with my bald tires.

Also, I have a cold.  And Sam is sick.  So basically, it's been a pretty low key day.  School will probably be closed again tomorrow, and possibly Thursday.  It's snowing again right now, and we will get 0-9 more inches tonight.

So.  This week, I ended up not having any real big challenges.  My book club was cancelled, so that wasn't an issue.  I did not get as much exercise as I would have liked.  I had planned to walk some over the weekend, and that didn't happen.

For some reason, I didn't use all of my daily points any day this week.  I don't know if I have passed that hump of feeling hungry all the time, or if it's because this cold was coming on.  I didn't use any of my 49 weekly points either.  I have a feeling I am actually down more than a pound... my scale used to match the ones at the office, but I'm not sure it does anymore.  I guess we'll find out next week.  I also pulled out my Just Dance Wii game and did it for 45 minutes the other day while Sam was at school.  I got 8 activity points, and Danny was fairly cooperative, so I'll probably try to do that kind of thing more often.

With a foot of snow on the ground, I'm really looking forward to it getting warmer outside and being able to walk outside more.  Oh well.  This week and next week will probably be the main part of our winter - we usually don't get more than one or two big snows a year, and it's usually not even this much.  When it does get warmer, I think I might try doing Couch 2 5K.  We'll see.

Challenges I foresee this week are Bunco on Thursday night, visiting my best friend in Seattle Friday night, and going to dinner at our friend's house Saturday.  I'll try to get some extra activity points, and save up my weekly extra points, as well as eating light those days until the event.  It's all about portion control, and I'm finding my willpower is better than it used to be.

If you're on Weight Watchers, here's a question for you.  Do you save up your extra weekly points and use them for one or two special outings/events?  Or do you use them gradually throughout the week, some each day?  I feel like if I save them and use them up when we go out to dinner or I have book club or whatever that I do better loss-wise than if I spread them out and use some each day.  Just wondering what other people's experiences have been like!

I'll be back next week with an OFFICIAL weigh in!  

Starting Weight 1 (Feb 2009):  267 lbs
Starting Weight 2 (Dec 2011):  249.8 lbs
Starting BMI:  41.8

Weight Lost:  27.7 lbs
Goal Weight: 160 lbs
Goal BMI:  25.1

Short Term Goal 1: 237.8 (5%)
Short Term Goal 2: 225.8 (10%)

Long Term Goal: 160 lbs
To Go: 79.2 lbs